Thursday, May 9, 2013

I Don't Know About You But I'm Feeling 22

I will admit, it does not take much to raise my blood pressure but Taylor Swift really has a special gift. I have put up with her shit for far too long. I have sat around for years and watched good people listen to her bad "music."

I let the first two singles of her new album slide without saying a word (despite their blatant stupidity). I mean, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together?" Something tells me that none of your exes will take issue with this proclamation. Also, did anyone else get deja vu when they were watching the "I Knew You Were Trouble" video? Probably because Rihanna made the same one for "We Found Love" nearly two years earlier. Awkwarddddd.
And now, now this. I can not sit around idle anymore. There comes a point when a biddy must take action. Taylor has taken her ignorance to levels that even I, the hater of all things Taylor Swift, could never even imagine. It is unforgivable. If you have not already, please watch her new video for "22." Warning: make sure you have a bag nearby and get ready to say goodbye to your last meal.

My name is Jules, and I do NOT, I repeat, do NOT approve of this message. Lemme break this down REAL quick.

With just a quick look at the first few seconds of the video, I already have something to point out. I do not doubt that this video is very much Taylor Swift's reality. For instance, I am almost positive she needs to hire girls to hang out with her and pose to be her friends. They seem to show little to no interest in her as she hovers over a cake, talking about "dressing like hipsters" and "mak[ing] fun of our exes." They seem quite content socializing with each other while she talks to herself. Sidenote: we all know you did not take ONE bite of that cake you dipshit. Eat a fucking sandwich.
Although this may be her life, this is hardly your typical 22 year old's day to day. I can hardly remember the last time I hired someone to pretend to be my friend. Middle school, perhaps? Only I paid in Tamagotchis, like any self-resepecting biddy would.

And here is when my blood starts to boil...

She claims that as 22 year olds "we'e happy, free, confused and lonely in the best way. It's miserable and magical," and when she says this, a little part of me dies, my heart partially breaks and I poop my pants just a little bit. I can tell you straight up that when I am miserable, shit is never magical. When I reflect that I am, indeed, 22, only partially employed, still living at home and cynical to the point of asexuality, I do not feel much enchantment. However, if you call a gallon of ice cream, a bottle of wine and a xanax "magical," then you might as well call me Hermione fuckin' Granger.

Taylor's shirt "Not A lot Going On At The Moment" is probably the truest thing in the entire video. Although it is meant to be light-hearted and "cute," the fact of the matter is that it is a sad reality. However, you do not see me laughing about it and dancing around like some dumb ass biddy.

ALLOW ME me to take a moment to point out the fact that Taylor is actually 23, so tell me, what in the fuck does she even know about being 22...right now? Answer: nothing.

I think you can see where I am going with this. I find Taylor Swift's song particularly offensive because I am, indeed,  22. Maybe a year ago (when she wrote this epic mess), everything would be alright if you just kept "dancing like [you're] 22." However, this approach just does not cut it anymore. The attempted twerking did nothing for my morale. If anything, the twerking left me feeling empty, alone and ultimately drove me deeper into an existential crisis like no other.
Where am I? ... WHY am I?

Taylor, my dear arch-nemesis, your music has left me feeling lonely and miserable in the worst way. If any 22 year old girl can relate to this song, then you can get the fuck out of my house. 

My favorite part of the entire video is when Taylor falls into the water... mostly because I like to imagine that I am the noble one pushing her in and also because it is the end.

XOXO,
JULES

P.S. And yes, that is Vanessa from Gossip Girl.

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