Sunday, May 5, 2013

I Don't Dance, I Twerk... Hard

With a quick look at the news today, one will find an overabundance of tales describing chaos and pandemonium. Kids twerking, teachers assigning erotic sex novels and students giving out free blow jays in the school library (yup, in front of the BOOKS. Nothing is sacred anymore).
Perhaps I just did not fall into these crowds (i.e.: remember I mentioned I spent my weekends making powerpoint presentations of pictures of dogs?). Let's just say I was a high schooler with different priorities, different interests, if you will.
I was very special...very special indeed.

I was not one to get into trouble. However, I did receive an after school detention Freshman year after I was late three times to Studio Art. The worst part of it all was that the detention was assigned on my birthday. There I was, sitting in my chair, bawling my eyes out, writing my signature over and over again in my notebook, (dotting the i's with little hearts, of course) feeling the full affects of "the man" keeping a ho down.  The teacher running the detention told me I could leave early...probably because she was sick of hearing some dumb bitch cry for two hours.

It was the the high school loser in me that got quite jealous when I read this story. Damn, what are these crazy kids up to these days?
The only videos of me from high school are either of me putting on cooking shows or interpretive dances to Miley Cyrus's "The Climb." This video made me yearn for twerking in the worst way. A big part of me wishes more than anything that I could go back in time and twerk my way to suspension like these brave, young Americans. For those of you who do not know what twerking is, it combines the aspects of ass shaking and hip popping to form a highly "suggestive" dance. All of the students (I believe there were over thirty) who were video taped twerking were suspended, uninvited to prom *gasp* and had their rights to walk in graduation revoked.
Ya really fucked up big this time. Ya twerked your way down the tubes ya little shit dicks. 

Of course the administration is only justified in their punishments of the twerkers. Twerking must be stopped. I do not know about you but I can not think of ANYTHING worse you could be doing on film than TWERKING. Twerking is the gateway drug. Twerking leads to gyrating, gyrating leads to humping and humping leads to S-E-X. 
Sidenote: I have made several attempts at twerking while writing this post. There were a few casualties and injuries. R.I.P. bedside lamp.

Let's shift our attention to the teachers of these high schools for a hot minute. 
I hardly see the problem here. What's wrong with a ninth grade reading teacher buying an erotic sex novel for her ninth grade student? What's more, Fifty Shades of Grey might quite possibly be the next great American novel. Watch out Mr. Melville, there's a new bitch in town. With a riveting plot, beautifully crafted prose and unsurpassable character development, Fifty Shades is a force to be reckoned with. 
That being said, I find it rather puzzling that this teacher claims to have never even heard of it. I am pretty sure that every woman in America has been flicking their bean to it for the past year. (Obviously a book every ninth grade male wants to read). Kudos to you, teach. Your teaching skills really hit it out of the ball park this time.

Never thought I would say this but these stories make me want to do it all over again. I feel like I missed out on so much. If only I were a few years younger! I would have been able to read Fifty Shades instead of The Scarlet Letter, I would be twerking instead of ghost riding da whip and (most regrettably) I would be giving out beejs in the Science Fiction section of the school library rather than selling Girl Scout cookies in the school Cafeteria. Ugh, I want to be a part of this beautiful, beautiful world.

Twerk responsibly.


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