Monday, November 24, 2014


Ah, the annual Thanksgiving post. A post where I take note of all the things in my life that I am thankful for. These are the things that keep me going, the things that stop me from shooting myself in the head or requesting a pre-frontal lobotomy (okay, I lied, there's absolutely nothing that can stop me from requesting one every time I go for my physical. But hey, you will never know unless you ask, right?!)
Usually I spend my time ranting and raving about all the things I hate and all the people I would like to cunt punt, but for just one post a year, I like to take some time out and pay my respects to the people I love most.

This year I am thankful for...

Tom Hardy:
Yeah, I have been privately (and intimately) giving him thanks for the past year, every night...but now I want to do so publicly. Tom and I are in it for the long-run. Our relationship has been a real roller-coaster of emotions but, at the end of the day, we are just two people who are in love with each other and who really want what is best for each other. Now, all we gotta do to take things to the next level is, ya know, meet each other.

But Tom, for you, I am thankful.

The Security Guard at school who always checks me out as I move through the turn-style entrance:

Yeah, don't think I forgot you for a second! I see you checkin' out my backpack as I walk on by. I want to thank you for being my one and only. If it was not for you, no man would check me out. But, you, my dear sixty-something year old creepist, you go where no man has gone before. 
And, for you, I am thankful.

Friendly's ice cream, you better believe I am talking about you. For years you have made your delicious ice cream egg-free, so that I can enjoy your delectable treat while motherfuckers and asswipes likes Ben and Jerry's and Haggen-Dazs continue to poison their ice cream with the one thing in this world that can kill me (well, besides a Taylor Swift concert). You are my hero and my savior.

And, for that, I am thankful.


This is a special, special thanks to New York's finest for not shooting me. A small but appreciated gesture that I seriously can not be more grateful for. All a girl really needs in this world is a cappuccino machine and not to get shot.
And for you, sweet piglets, I am thankful.

Ryan Gosling
Ryan, although we broke up a year ago and you broke my heart in twenty different ways, I learned a lot from you. I learned a lot about self-worth and even a little something about delusional relationships. In essence, I learned we were never in a real relationship at all. In fact, my flicking the bean to you every night meant absolutely nothing to you and never will.

And for that (harsh but necessary) lesson, Ryan, I am so very thankful.

My sweet, sweet, beautiful princess. You are the love of my life, the fire of my loins, my sin, my soul.  But also, you do a really fine job keeping me fucked up when I want to be.

For you, I am so very thankful.

My biddies

Yes, that's you! Thank you to all of you sick, sons of bitches who read my posts week after week. Although you are (without a doubt) psychotic for returning to this perverse and sociopathic prose, I would be no where if it was not for you.

And for you, young biddies, I am more than thankful.


No comments:

Post a Comment