Sunday, October 5, 2014

Tragedy Hits Jersey

These past couple of days, I have been completely beside myself with grief. Many have told me that I have looked distant and, often times, on the brink of tears. But how can anyone really go back to life the way we knew it? How can we go on with our lives knowing that Teresa Giudice and her husband are going to jail?

Teresa Giudice and her husband Giuseppe Giudice were sentenced to jail time on conspiracy and bankruptcy fraud charges. Theresa was sentenced to 15 months of jail and Giuseppe, 41 months. But, DO NOT WORRY, Teresa will not have to turn herself in until January 5! The judge did this so Teresa can spend the holidays with her family one last time before getting locked up for what will, most likely, be for a few days.

The reality star shit dicks will serve their terms at different times so there will be at least one parent with their four kids at a given time.

I know, we are all thinking the same thing. What has this world come to? Sending white people to jail?
This is not a world that makes sense, this is not a world that I am comfortable with. Maybe the Ebola has gone to everyone's heads. Maybe this is, FINALLY, the sign of the ACTUAL apocalypse  (an apocalypse that I have incorrectly predicted about four times already...)

White people being held accountable for their action? I am just as shocked and appalled as the Giudice's Real Housewives co-stars. If anyone has caught an episode of the current season of Real Housewives of New Jersey (a show that I have regrettably picked up recently due to boredom and Housewives withdrawal, as all the other housewives locations are on hiatus). All of Teresa's fellow Housewives' and husbands have spent the entire season, thus far, lamenting the "tragedy" that is the Guidice's life. Scene after scene we see rich white people crying...

"I can't believe this is my life," Teresa says into the camera, sitting in her 14 million dollar house. And neither can anyone else, apparently.

In hopes of helping Teresa get through these trying times, I created a list of things she could bring to the spa-- I mean jail, when she gets locked up.

1) A poster of Ariana Grande: Ariana is pretty. She needs a pretty girl in her life.

2) A copy of the film Garden State: the pseudo-poignant soundtrack and unnecessarily "deep" dialogue  have been said to lead to some fake epiphanies for some basic bitches, I hear. She needs a fake epiphany.

3) A foot massager: foot massagers are a must-have in rich people jail. She needs a good foot massage in her life.

4) A CD containing only songs written and sung by Vanessa Carlton: Explanation not necessary. She needs a little Vanessa in her life, as does everyone.

5) A piece of poop scented air freshener: this way, Theresa can feel like she's at home in New Jersey at all times. She needs to feel at home.

6) A year's supply of Kleenex tissues: Theresa is a Taurus, after all. Those idiots are constantly crying. She needs crying in her life.

7) A two year's supply of Mallomars: Teresa needs Mallomars more than anyone I know. The situation is dire.

Happy jail time, Teresa! If I learned anything from Orange is the New Black, it is that prison is kind of a ballin' time.


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