Sunday, September 7, 2014

The Jennifer Lawrence Debacle

Again, another couple of weeks go by and I ignorantly shirk my duties as royal biddy queen. Not to mention the fact that this has been a CRUCIAL past couple of weeks in the blogosphere and you guys probably need me now more than ever. Let us review the past couple of weeks: Olivia Wilde posed while breast feeding her child sexily (as if there is any other way to breast feed your child if you are Olivia Wilde!), at least four different female celebrity posed nude while pregnant (they are so original!), Taylor Swift continues to make a spectacle of herself and, oh, re-update: Nikki Minaj still has a big ol' ass.
Surprise, surprise.

But most recently, the articles that have grabbed most of the public's attention are related to the "scandal" involving some leaked nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and company. Jennifer Lawrence has established herself as the "girl next door" who is just "SO relatable you can't even believe it!!!!!" For years now, she has talked nonsense about "being fat" and obsessively blabs in interviews about her supposed "love" for eating.

I do not think I am the only one who is not fooled by this malarkey. While Jennifer thinks this may sound genuine and relatable, anyone with half a brain would stop and ask the questions: "uh, you're fat? So what the fuck does that make me? A candidate for gastric bypass surgery?" Just because you eat a snack once a week, does not give the license to sell yourself as a token "fat girl." You have a nice ass and huge tits, that is not "fat." (This is a constant thing I see in the media, skinny girls with big tits and nice asses referring to themselves as "fat." They think that this gives them the right to hate on "skinny bitches" everywhere. Well, blow me!)

Okay, back to the main topic at hand. Celebrities like Lena Dunham have quickly come to Jennifer's defense, stating how the people who post these photos are sex-offenders and some other stuff about feminism or whatever.
Also, Lena has even condemned all of those who were curious enough to sneak-a-peak at Jennifer's junk. I have a strange inkling, however, that  Lena is just jealous that people are distracted and are not looking at HER vagina for once. Each episode of Girls assaults the viewer with Lena's naked body. God FORBID we saw anyone else naked now and then.

"LOOK AT MY VAGINA!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT NOW!!!!" -Lena Dunham

Then, you have people like Ricky Gervais who (rather callously) claims that celebrities should not take these pictures and keep them on their phone if they do not want the public to see them. This is a stance that seemingly many social media users have agreed with over the past week. Many have seemingly blamed Jennifer Lawrence for the whole entire thing!

Personal side note: I believe the last nudie that I took of myself was when I was about seven years old. I used a polaroid camera to take a picture of my butt in order to piss off my older sister. That was the end of my nude modeling career, if I remember correctly. I tried to get that photo leaked for YEARS, to no avail. I even taped it on the door of my room but it never went viral.

I think I can articulate my thoughts about this issue similarly to how you explain defensive driving. Allow me to give you these pearls of wisdom (keep up, bitches!)!! When we learn drive, we learn the rules of the road, the rules that that we will legally be held accountable for. When we are taught to be defensive drivers, we learn things beyond what we are "legally" obligated to do. We learn how to foresee other people's mistakes or miscalculations on the road and how to avoid them. For example, if we see we are about to be hit by a car making a stupid move on the road, we do not just stay the course because we are legally "doing the right thing," we avoid the collision and make up for the other douche bag's short-comings. If we are hit, it is not our fault but... who the fuck wants to get hit either way?! This is how everyone should treat this particular issue about technology and social media. Yes, Jennifer's privacy was violated and that is wrong. She never had any intentions or desire to share those pictures with the public and she has every right to her privacy. However, malicious and self-serving people exist and that's just the fact of life. What's more, these douche bags aren't going ANYWHERE, anytime soon. So, to keep things safe, if you wanna keep your cooch to yourself, do not take any nude pictures on your phone and save it on your iCloud.

By the way, how the FUCK does the iCloud work anyways? The increasingly dark and mysterious ways of the iClould should be motivation enough to keep your shit on lockdown.

Love me,

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