Monday, May 11, 2015

Ed Sheeran Must Live

I know, I can tell you're terribly perplexed by the title of this post. "Ed Sheeran Must Live." What on EARTH is this biddy talking about THIS time? Why in tarnation should Ed Sheeran live? Well, allow me to explain myself a little bit before you get all up in my jock strap.

The rumors are true: Ed Sheeran is an abomination. His music could drive any man or woman to drink heavily, blow their brains out, and/or (even worse) take-up Krav Maga. The lyrics that he sings are more potent than any laxative. His tunes will leave you with an Imodium-induced night, soaking in your own vomit and blood.

And as you lay there, literally drowning in your own barf and feces, chances are you will ask yourself: how did I get to this point? How did I let Ed Sheeran do this to me?

I get it, I really do. "Thinking Out Loud" is responsible for most of my problems that I have been having these past six months (I am quite convinced). Ed Sheeran is the reason why I fucked up my front bumper, Ed Sheeran is responsible for ISIS and I just know Ed Sheeran is somehow responsible for my acne problems. But, one must understand that despite all of this, Ed Sheeran MUST to be protected.

You know how all of these ridiculous celebrities die and then everyone turns them into these "musical geniuses" or these "heroes" of ridiculous proportions? For instance, they do this with actors. Paul Walker dies and now everyone is acting like he was some kind of Robert DeNiro or some shit. I mean, hot as fuck he was, but let us not forget...he was in the Fast and the Furious 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...ugh... AND 7.
Okay, enough about the late Paul Walker's beauty. Back to ME.

Singers die and their awful, awful music is then suddenly "classic." "Lego House" will be be the new "Imagine." "I See Fire" will be the new "Bohemian Rhapsody." All I want to do is prolong the inevitable.

But the truth is, I am worried. I am worried about Ed Sheeran. I am worried that Ed Sheeran is not properly protected. More so, I am nervous that he is not eating the proper fruits, vegetables and milk! I even saw on CNN the other day that he does not believe in multi-vitamins... or eating organic! How the fuck is Ed Sheeran going to outlive me us if he does not even care about his fucking health?!?!
Not only that, Ed Sheeran needs to be protected from all of the level-headed, intelligent Americans who want to take him down. We all need someone who is up to the task of protecting this embarrassing human being.

That is why I am taking this opportunity to selflessly elect myself to be his bodyguard and protector. I will take a bullet for Ed Sheeran, for cryin' out loud.

Yes, I am applying to be Ed Sheeran's bodyguard. For my whole life I wondered what my purpose was. Am I a musician? Am I a porn-star? Am I an actuary? No, all along the answer was right in front of me in the Top 40. I am meant to keep Ed Sheeran alive. I am meant to stall his eventual John Lennon status. I need to stall this numb nut from becoming a legend.

I will to save the world, one horrible song at a time.

For those of you who do not think I'm up to the task, think again. This biddy is FIESTY.
And that is a damn fact my good hoes. I will save Ed Sheeran. You will build memorials to my name, you will have a National Holiday in my honor. You will all love me...finally

#SaveEdSheeran... who's with me?