Monica Lewinsky Beyonce'd All Over Our Dresses

...and faces.

Anyone else getting a little sick and tired of these Beyonce antics? Anyone else kind of pissed the hell off that she will not release her music to Spotify and therefore will not let me listen to "Irreplaceable" for free, for as many times as I want? Instead, I am forced into a life of crime and thievery. I took to Frostwire, Limewire or whatever the fuck kind of wire that would get me the shitty music that I refuse to pay a fifty cents for, dammit.

I am an outlaw and it is Beyonce's fucking fault.

Now, just between us biddies, I have a confession that may land me on a couple of shit lists. (But when the fuck has that ever stopped me??!!) The truth is, I never really bought into the whole Beyonce obsession. I liked her music but I doubted the "fabulousness" that so many people insisted was there. Besides, anyone who marries Jay-Z is a punk ass bitch, in my humble biddy opinion. Between the vanity and the over-the-top marketing, I was always bothered by her annoying face. Specifically, her fake female empowerment ploys are quite bothersome to me. You can not sing about the "joy" of being a "single lady" if you are not, in fact, a single lady (and have not been for a while, I may add). 

Leave the single lady talk to the bitter, miserable single ladies like myself, thank you. Besides, I can not for the life of me figure out how twerking around, opening your legs and flaunting your cooter translates to female empowerment. Yay, feminism?  

On the topic of female empowerment, that moves us to our main order of biddy business: Monica Lewinsky. She is not feeling Beyonce these days either. Mainly because Beyonce has been running her mouth in all kinds of stupid ways.

I am sure you have all seen the recent articles talking about how Lewinsky has now started talking about her affair with President Bill Clinton. A blow job heard round the world immediately thrusted Lewinsky into the public eye. Ever since the affair, she has been scrutinized and slut-shamed by basically every single person in the country. Rap song after rap song has been written about her, and now Beyonce wants a piece of the slut-shaming pie.

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/monica-lewinsky-corrects-beyonce-on-partition-lyric-20140506

By calling the "Queen Bee" out on her grammatical mishap, it would appear that Lewinsky has cleaned off her presidential, skeet-riddled dress and is now coming forward to join hands with the biddy nation that I always knew she would come back to.

So she gave the president of the United States a blow job. Big whoop. I have done way worse with way uglier...not to mention, WAY less important. Besides, I met Bill Clinton a few years ago and I can see the blow job appeal. The man just attracts the blow jobs. I saw him turn down like five different blow jobs during the 10 second time-span that I met him.

Now, again, not to be tooting any kind of feminist horn here, but why is Beyonce piggy-backing off of the stale, misogynist jokes that have been made for years? What happened to female empowerment, Queen B? What happened to celebrating the Single Ladies and Naughty Girls of our nation? And, more importantly, why did your last album suck so miserably?

Out of the 21 songs on the fucking album, not one of them even dared to be good?!? I mean "Drunk in Love" does not even go anywhere. It has been months and I am still waiting for the chorus to start.

What I do find interesting is the timing of Monica Lewinsky's "coming out," so to speak. With the recent chatter of Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign on the horizon, it seems a little coincidental that Lewinsky is now back in the picture. Paid off? Publicity stunt? ...Pizza? Questions, I pose them.

Regardless, although this was a small gesture of sass on Lewinsky's part, I hope to see more of this young biddy in the future.

In the mean time, more grammar lessons, fewer blow jays, my good hoe.

XOXO,
Jules

A Young Biddy's Guide to the Stars

Horoscopes. Some may say they are a bunch of malarkey, but those people are what we refer to as: ignorant, common folk (or they are probably just a Cancer). Either way, if one is intelligent, one would KNOW that one can learn a lot about a person through their horoscope sign. It is an excellent way to generalize and to judge someone before you even meet them! Call it prejudice or call it genius, this is a young biddy's guide to the zodiac. Here goes offending just about everyone I know and love:

Capricorn (12/33-1/19): The Greedy Creeps

These are the weird fuckers of the bunch. You never know what they are thinking, you never know what they are scheming. At the end of the day, they usually wind up being the person who turns you into a lamp shade or a nipple necklace and sell you for a quick buck. Just sayin'.

Celebrities Capricorns:

Michelle Obama

Barack revealed in a recent interview that Michelle has a peculiar cheez-it fetish (and dabbles in Wheat Thins).

Psy

Never wander into any dark alleys with this cat...

Aquarius (1/20- 2/18): The Dumbass Freaks

Aquarians are air heads. They are your basic, basic biddies. Many who sympathize with their plight will argue that it is not stupidity but rather that they operate on a "different level" or "in their own world." However, I think I speak for anyone with a brain that that is not one world I want to be living in.

Celebrity Aquarians:

Oprah Winfrey

Just because you speak like a prophet does not mean you have one brain cell to your name.

Ashton Kutcher

I mean, duh.

Pisces (2/19-3/20): The Flakey Weirdos

No one can really pin down a pisces. They are slippery and sneaky. If you do not watch your back, they may spontaneously try to either smother you with their vaginas or suffocate you with a hand cupped with their farts. Unpredictable, unmanageable and unfreakinbelievable lot of people these Pisces.

Celebrity Pisces:

Carrie Underwood

I heard she enjoys farting in her car with the windows up. What is it with Pisces and farting?

 Lil Bow Wow

What a flake. Where did he even go????!!!!

Aries (3/21-4/19): The Don't Fuck With Them(s) (they cray)

Allow me to phrase this simply and diplomatically: Aries are fucking crazy. Yeah, they tend to be good looking and, yes, incredibly charismatic. However, all it takes is one bad move with an Aries to land yourself in boiling hot water. Prepare to be water boarded until you make amends for your wrong doings. I heard James Franco tasered his friend for two whole weeks because he cheated in a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Tread lightly with this crew.

Celebrity Aries: 

James Franco

I wouldn't lie about sleeping with him if I were you...


Mariah Carey

She will hunt you downnnn


Taurus (4/20-5/20): The Whiney Pussies

Did you know that the census calculated that Taurus makes up the largest pussy population in the world? They are overly-sensitive, stubborn and just over-all annoying as fuck. They have been playing the victim card since 1803. Good luck telling them to grow a pair of balls and deal with the real world without acting like everything is a My Sister's Keeper moment. Please, by all means, waste some more fucking trees on your kleenex problem, Taurus. I mean, really? Do they not even care about the rainforest?

Celebrity Tauruses:

Chris Brown

Total pussy.


Miranda Cosgrove

THAT FACE IS SO ANNOYING!!!!!!! HER FACE WHINES!!!


Gemini (5/21-6/20): The Lying, Stealing, Cheating Son of a Bitch(es) (basically the worst people you will ever meet)

Hold me back...*Breath in, breathe out*

I am about to get all kinds of Aries on you. I can not help it when I talk about the Gemini. The worst of all the horoscope signs, in my humble opinion (the Mirandas of the Sex and the City, The Tinky-Winkys of the Teletubbies and the Sporties of the Spice Girls, if you will). Being the multi-taskers of the zodiac, Geminis will cheat on you with your best friend, lie about it ever happening and stand you up for your date at McDonald's because they were too busy watching gay porn, doing their laundry, painting a mediocre portrait of their dog and kayaking (all at the same time, obviously). Stay away from the Gemini. Don't even look one directly in the eye.

Celebrity Gemini:

Kanye West

Everyone knows how I feel about Kanye West.


Angelina Jolie

Apology not accepted, Gemini.


Cancer (6/21-7/22): The Attention Whores

I really do feel bad for the Cancers. No one really likes them very much because they are just so goddamn annoying. Starving, absofuckinglutely, starving for attention at all times, Cancer lives for an audience. It is a miserable existence to be a Cancer, quite frankly. Many Cancers resort to buying stuffed animals in bulk to line along the perimeter of the room so that they can pretend that people are watching and care what they have to say. Those poor, poor stuffed animals are the true victims here. No one cares, Cancer, no one cares. *Pats Cancer's head*

Celebrity Cancers:

Lindsay Lohan

I don't think this one needs an explanation.


Tom Cruise

Lol... or this one.


Leo (7/23-8/22): The Egotistical Control Freaks

Total control freaks and totally full of themselves. This is all of that king of the jungle crap. Yeah, okay booboos, everyday is not a re-enactment of The Lion King. Get over it, move on. There are better Disney movies out there anyways. That movie wasn't even that great. And seriously, let someone else be on top for just once.

Celebrity Leos:

Barack Obama

This one is so full of himself.


Madonna

Madonna, we have Lady Gaga now. Class dismissed...


Virgo (8/23-9/22): The Anal Buttheads

I really hardly think of the Virgo if I am being quite honest. Which is funny, because they spend most of their time thinking about how they appear to others (to me, you do not appear at all). I think at the end of the day, Virgos mean well, they really do. They just need to calm their fucking periods. Enough with the anal retentive nonsense. I have no time for any of it. NEXXXXXXXXXXT.

Celebrity Virgos:

Beyonce Knowles

I guess she is kinda perfect... but whatever.


Niall Horan

I guess he is also kinda cute...but whatever.


Libra (9/23-10/22): The Ones with the Jesus Complex

The Tyra Bankses of the Zodiac, if you so please. I believe every Libra is born with a Jesus Complex. They really take the whole "balance" thing to the extreme. Just because you "strive for balance" does not make you Jesus fucking Christ. All it does is make you sound annoying and pretentious. And quite frankly, less likely to receive an invitation to my birthday party. Libras are constantly using lines like "I keep pussy running like a faucet" and "I am the best rapper alive." It is absurd. Stop acting like your shit does not stink because I smelled a Libra's shit once... and it smelled like, well, shit.

Celebrity Libras:

Lil Wayne

He wishes he could fuck every girl in the world? What happened to moderation? Bad libra!!!!


Kim Kardashian

Ugh. Tell me more about respect, Kim.


Scorpio (10/23-10/21): The Coolest People you will ever meet (and most underrated sign of all time)

I like to think of Scorpio as the sign that God was striving to create all along. All of these other signs were just failed attempts. The Scorpio combines all of the elements of a perfect human being. Brains, beauty, sanity (I AM ALWAYS LEVEL HEADED GODDAMMIT!) and compassion are just some of the positive qualities you can use to describe the Scorpio. Oh, and we are humble too.

Celebrity Scorpios:

Ryan Gosling

Like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way! <3 p="">

Emma Stone

Who doesn't wanna be Emma Stones best friend? I mean, seriously?

Sagittarius  (11/22-12/21): The Knock-off Scorpios

These are the wannabe Scorpios, if you ask me. Yeah, it is good to be a fan and everything but stop sucking our dicks so much. Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Your shit just is not as good as a Scorpio's so, please, TAYLOR SWIFT, stop trying so hard. Think of it like this: Scorpios are Dolce and Gabanna, and Sagittarians are those silly little knock-off bags you buy from those vendors on the streets in NYC. Sorry I am not sorry.

Celebrity Sagittarians:

Miley Cyrus

She said she can't stop but, Miley, you must reconsider stopping.


Jake Gylenhaal

No self-respecting Scorpio would date Taylor Swift. That is why you are a Sagittarius, sir.


Love you bitches!!!!

XOXO,
Jules

The Vultures are Waiting to Pick at Your Bones, Lindsay

I stumbled upon the OWN documentary series about Lindsay Lohan while in a post-Easter dinner stupor. Beached, ashamed and dedicated to wallowing in self-pity, it only seemed appropriate that I take a look at what all the Lilo fuss was about.

Presumably unintentionally, the entire series has acted as one, continuous pity party for Lady Lohan. Scene after scene Lindsay reminds the viewer that her life is just so much harder than yours. In one awkwardly "emotional" scene, Lindsay films herself smoking a cigarette and staring into the camera for as long as it took for her to muster up a few tears (trust me, it took a long ass time...I even got up for glass of water, came back and she was still working on it).

Lindsay has stated in one of the episodes that one of the reasons that she wanted to do the documentary series is because she wanted people to know that she is just a person. Despite what we thought in the past she is just a real, down-to-earth, girl next door, after all.

You know, if your girl-next-door is living in a two story soho apartment, with a walk-in closet full of designer clothes, a personal assistant, a life coach and "a sober coach" (whatever the fuck THAT is).

If you refer to a post that I wrote last year on Lindsay's made-for-television movie "Liz and Dick" catastrophe, you will note that I have been a big Lindsay supporter in the past. I have always wished her the best (but expected the worst) and have enjoyed The Parent Trap and Life Size just as much as the next good biddy.

However, after watching what was supposedly made to reveal her "truth" and to show her "humanity" and all that horse dung, I could not be more turned off to Lilo's charms. All the show has succeeded in doing is introducing an entitled, self-victimized, materialistic and truly miserable narcissist (who at the very least is still kinda hot). Blame it on the OWN network or blame it on Lindsay's real "truth" but Lindsay has now officially been filed into "true twattery status."

I can sympathize with her white girl problems-- really, I can. She has two god awful parents who take every opportunity that they can to squeeze their way on screen. Dedicated to a life of attention     whore-ary, Dina Lohan struggles to be even appear slightly sincere while Oprah interviews her in her Long Island mansion. She, too, tries to muster up a few tears but to no avail (what is with these women and not being able to cry on command? It is truly ignorant). In one scene, she weakly gives Lindsay a half hug, making sure the camera is there to see it, she weakly says, "I am so glad you are home."

During a lunch date with Lindsay, her dad, Michael Lohan, gets in on the action as he irritatingly gives parenting advice to the viewers. Yeah, okay.

The majority of the show consists of Lindsay complaining about how chaotic her life is, how many clothes she needs to fold and how cruel everyone is to her. In fact, "chaotic" and "cruel" seem to be her favorite words (drinking game idea???!!!!). In one scene Lindsay even complains about how they will not minimize her community service hours. She just "hopes and prays" that some day they will just take it away. Poor little thing, has to give back to underprivileged children instead of rotting in jail. Boo freakin hoo.

I think, at the end of the day, Lindsay used this opportunity to stay relevant, to get a paycheck and to attempt to gain sympathy from the general public. But then again, are we not all guilty of that to some degree?

I will be the first to admit that T-swift is.

At the end of the day, I still wish her a sober life and I hope that one day she can stop feeling sorry for herself and, ya know, do something useful like make a Parent Trap 2.

XOXO,

Jules

265 Days a Year, 6 Days a Week

The past season of Real Housewives of Atlanta (and Beverly Hills, for that matter) has been anything but interesting or inspirational. All fall and winter, every Sunday night, I would look for drama just to discover an hour filled with boredom and bitter disappointment. I had to resort to watching Shameless on Sunday nights, just to make ends meet. This was the only way I could get my "pointless drama" fix for the day. Bravo let me down, Bravo let us all down.

It made me feel weak, hopeless and alone. We spent a whole season talking about an alleged affair between Apollo and Kenya. The situation was pretty anti-climactic and, to be honest, it was pretty damn boring. I fucking hope Kenya fucked Apollo because if she did not, then they sure did waste a whole fucking season talking about it.

When we were not talking in circles about whether or not Apollo and Kenya did the dirty deed, we were listening to the stupidity of Porsha Stewart. First, if anyone recalls from last season, there was the whole incident where she kind of, sort of, did not know how many days there are in a year...

...awkward.

Then, to add insult to injury, this season she maybe, sort of, did not quite know what the Underground Railroad was. Now I am going to ignore the obvious and that is that every fucking American should know what this was... not to mention the fact that she is, in fact, African-American and that is kind of, like, important for her to know. But, to make matters worse, Porsha is the grand daughter of the civil rights leader Reverend Hosea Williams.

You would think she would know where all her family money comes from and why your grandfather was kind of a big deal. I mean, he was, like, Martin Luther King Jr. status. 

"Wait, Martin Luther who?" -Porsha

I think it is a real accomplishment on Porsha's part to stay so ignorant to such a well-known movement in American history. She literally must have tried her damndest to not know what the fuck has gone on in our country. An accomplishment almost worth applauding... almost.

Even Kandi Burruss repeatedly tried to explain to the simple-minded Porsha (when Porsha went searching for the train tracks that belonged to the Underground Railroad) that it was "NOT...AN...ACTUAL... TRAIN."

So, to put it delicately, Porsha is a fucking moron. But really, there is no news there.

Kenya's indiscretion and Porsha's stupidity were not enough to keep my interest. I found myself unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Now, out of no where, previews of the reunion have been popping up, foreshadowing a huge, blow-out fist fight between these two classy ladies.

If you believe news reports, Porsha was even arrested at the reunion and Kenya is pressing charges. The other rumor circulating the fight is that Porsha was fired from the Real Housewives and, in an act of defending her, the other housewives claim they will quit if Kenya does not get fired instead of Porsha. Such noble actions by such noble housewives.

At the end of the day, I would prefer if neither got fired, seeing they provided the only entertainment of the season.

All I have to say is: thank god the Real Housewives of Orange County and New York are back. Finally I have something to live for once again.

Did you watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion last night? Who do you think one this girl fight? My vote is for Porsha.

Happy Housewives watching!!!

XOXO,
Jules

The Selfie Debacle

For the most part, I have tried my very best to rise above the selfie situation.  For those of you ignorant and unaware, this is a dire situation indeed. I will admit, I have dabbled in selfies myself (I mean, just look at my stupid siamese twin selfie posted on this very blog). I am only a young biddy at the end of the day, just like all of you. However, I can quite honestly say, to put it delicately, that selfies are an abomination.

The true essence of vanity has shown its not-so-pretty head on Facebooks, Instagrams and even twatters all over the world. People near and far have been posting these ridiculous photos, broadcasting their egos and insecurity for all of the world to see.

We live in a wonderful world where we must measure our true self-worth with the amount of "likes" we receive on Facebook. It is a proven fact that if one only receives one "like" on a posted Facebook or Instagram selfie, then one might as well throw in the towel (and perhaps throw oneself off of a bridge). Your selfie career would be over and what else does a biddy have in this world besides some really good selfies?

Answer: nothing.

The selfie may vary, it all depends on what the biddy is feeling at that given moment. In an act of true artistic self-expression, courage and desperation, a biddy may take a selfie at any given point (but usually in bed, on the train or in a car)

The Car Selfie: "Look at me! I am going places!"

Many heated discussions and arguments continue to this day about the importance of the car selfie. Some say that this is your true induction or "baptism," if we are speaking biblically, into the selfie-world. After all, the car selfie is truly a holy moment. Perhaps in the driver's seat or maybe in the passenger seat (back seat car selfies are sacrilegious), it does not matter all that much, what matters is that the message is there: I am in a car and I look hot in this car. Something about mobility makes people want to snap a picture of themselves. That would explain the countless Metro North selfies that plague my Facebook newsfeed (and my nightmares...).

The Duck-Face: "LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!"

The duck-face is not for the weak-hearted. This is for the hardcore biddies who are not fuckin' around. They want your undivided negative attention and they want it now.

Blow-jobs for sale. Zero cents a pop, gentlemen.

The Almost-Duck Face: "#Lips"

This is for those who are too scared to go all the way. These are the pussies of Facebook, if you will. We have all seen it. These are those girls that you know want to do the duck face, but are too scared to commit. Just with a slight little purse of the lips, we are forced into their illusion that they have dignity, class or whatever. I know I can not prove it, but they all WANT to do the duck face but are too chicken-shit to go all the way. Pussies.

The 'Don't Look at Me': "Don't look at me but wait... look at me. DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

This is the most "modest" of all the selfies. It is when the subject is implying that he/she does not want the camera to be there. Maybe they are peeking up from a sheet or covering their face and trying to look away. Like "Ugh, this is so uncomfortable, I did not put one bit of make-up on" (meanwhile their face is fully made-up and looking fucking PERFECT). The "uncandid candid," if you so please. 

The 'I'm Cute': "Hehe"
This is that stupid "cute-face" selfie that every girl does amidst her other serious selfies. It is her attempt at keeping things light, keeping things fresh and keeping things "cute." It is their lame attempt at looking happy when really they are just as miserable as the rest of us that Gilmore Girls still remains cancelled after all of these years.

(RORY TURNED DOWN LOGAN'S PROPOSAL?! IS SHE FUCKING INSANE?!?!?!)

The Full-Body Shot: "Why stop at just my face?"

These shots are usually taken in the mirror.  The crucial components of this selfie are: tits and ass. These are for the biddies who could not just stop at broadcasting their face, they wanted you to get the whole package (the thorough biddies, if you will). This selfie really gives the biddy the chance to show his/her creativity. Some may include a bookshelf or two in the background, displaying their interest in feminist literature. Who says Toni Morrison can not be included in a full-body selfie? Or perhaps, they want to display some plants on their windowsill.  Nothing like a little botany action to get the boys engines revving! Mostly, however, they like to focus on the fact that they are "sexy" or whatever.

It must be said, selfies are an issue for both girls AND boys. Yup, there are boys who fall victim to the selfie-virus as well. Totally unboner, if you ask me (which obviously you were).

People: no matter how bad your life seems to be at the moment, no matter how shitty things may be going, there is always hope! You are not alone and no situation is unmanageable. It gets better. Do not resort to selfies and self-embarrassment. Put your iPhones down. Delete your Photobooth off of your Macbook Pro. Be rational about this.

I am here for you.

XOXO,
Jules

Let Them Eat Cake

These past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. First, Zac Efron gets punched in the face by some random homeless guy, therefore possibly messing up his angelic money-maker (at least I got a piece of that sweet High School Musical ass a few months back). Then, James Franco gets busted for sexting a 17 year old girl. I mean, can a man not trust a high school girl to keep their celebrity sexting secret? I mean, is nothing sacred to these high schoolers anymore?

AND THEN, shit REALLY hit the fan. As if we have not had enough, Gwyneth and that Coldplay singer, Chris Brown, break up! His name is Chris Brown, right?

This is like Brad and Jennifer all over again, guys.

After eleven years of love and marriage, the two most vanilla, white toast people decided to call it quits.  It is both the most devastating and most boring thing we have ever heard (I go back and forth between crying and falling asleep constantly).

That being said, I feel really bad for Gwyneth. There was an article written about her recently that, if you have not read, you must take a look at:

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/entertainment/entertainment-news/Gwyneth-Paltrow-9-to-5-Working-Moms-Have-It-Easier-Movie-Stars-Office-Job-252997511.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_NYBrand

The article is really eye-opening. It really gives us "have-nots" a look into the the unfortunate lives of the "haves."

In addition, *Cue Dolly Parton*, It really makes you re-think that song "9 to 5." I mean, guys, let's be real, Gwyneth's life is just so much harder than that. She says, "I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as--of course there are challenges, but its not like being on a set." 

She is absolutely right, having a "regular" little job that you need to go to everyday, all day, 365 days a year might be a little bit annoying at times but it is absolutely incomparable to being a movie star on set. No one quite understands Gwyneth. We all should be grateful for what we have.

I mean, every year Gwyneth is forced to go to work, like, one time (which movies has she been in lately anyways?). Working for one month out of a year can be quite the arduous task. How can these women who work 9 to 5 and go home to actually take care of their children without two au pairs present really understand Gwyneth's struggle? I mean, like, really understand it.

This one time, Gwyneth was even forced to eat a meal that was not organic. The food was purchased by one of Gwyneth's household slaves by accident. Gwyneth was sick in bed for months. She had to be spoon fed Caviar and Edamame for weeks after. The courage and strength that this lady possesses is unbelievable and possibly unobtainable.

And now, on top of that, Gwyneth needs to worry about losing the love of her life? She was forced to let go of the man who writes all of those beautiful, vomit-inducing love songs? (The vomit-inducing love songs that were probably inspired by the vomit-inducing Gwyneth herself).
*Cue "Sparks"*

It is just so beautiful...

I am sure there has been many cathartic moments for everyone these past couple of weeks as we reflect on Gwyneth's unfortunate life. I mean, no one works has hard as Gwyneth, absolutely no one. She is a victim of both nepotism and white privilege and I am pretty sure starving babies in Africa do not envy her.

So this, this blog post is dedicated to the people who really work the hardest. This goes out to all the Gwyneth Paltrows out there. We salute you. Thank you.

XOXO,
Jules