A Young Biddy's Guide to the Stars

Horoscopes. Some may say they are a bunch of malarkey, but those people are what we refer to as: ignorant, common folk (or they are probably just a Cancer). Either way, if one is intelligent, one would KNOW that one can learn a lot about a person through their horoscope sign. It is an excellent way to generalize and to judge someone before you even meet them! Call it prejudice or call it genius, this is a young biddy's guide to the zodiac. Here goes offending just about everyone I know and love:

Capricorn (12/33-1/19): The Greedy Creeps

These are the weird fuckers of the bunch. You never know what they are thinking, you never know what they are scheming. At the end of the day, they usually wind up being the person who turns you into a lamp shade or a nipple necklace and sell you for a quick buck. Just sayin'.

Celebrities Capricorns:

Michelle Obama

Barack revealed in a recent interview that Michelle has a peculiar cheez-it fetish (and dabbles in Wheat Thins).

Psy

Never wander into any dark alleys with this cat...

Aquarius (1/20- 2/18): The Dumbass Freaks

Aquarians are air heads. They are your basic, basic biddies. Many who sympathize with their plight will argue that it is not stupidity but rather that they operate on a "different level" or "in their own world." However, I think I speak for anyone with a brain that that is not one world I want to be living in.

Celebrity Aquarians:

Oprah Winfrey

Just because you speak like a prophet does not mean you have one brain cell to your name.

Ashton Kutcher

I mean, duh.

Pisces (2/19-3/20): The Flakey Weirdos

No one can really pin down a pisces. They are slippery and sneaky. If you do not watch your back, they may spontaneously try to either smother you with their vaginas or suffocate you with a hand cupped with their farts. Unpredictable, unmanageable and unfreakinbelievable lot of people these Pisces.

Celebrity Pisces:

Carrie Underwood

I heard she enjoys farting in her car with the windows up. What is it with Pisces and farting?

 Lil Bow Wow

What a flake. Where did he even go????!!!!

Aries (3/21-4/19): The Don't Fuck With Them(s) (they cray)

Allow me to phrase this simply and diplomatically: Aries are fucking crazy. Yeah, they tend to be good looking and, yes, incredibly charismatic. However, all it takes is one bad move with an Aries to land yourself in boiling hot water. Prepare to be water boarded until you make amends for your wrong doings. I heard James Franco tasered his friend for two whole weeks because he cheated in a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Tread lightly with this crew.

Celebrity Aries: 

James Franco

I wouldn't lie about sleeping with him if I were you...


Mariah Carey

She will hunt you downnnn


Taurus (4/20-5/20): The Whiney Pussies

Did you know that the census calculated that Taurus makes up the largest pussy population in the world? They are overly-sensitive, stubborn and just over-all annoying as fuck. They have been playing the victim card since 1803. Good luck telling them to grow a pair of balls and deal with the real world without acting like everything is a My Sister's Keeper moment. Please, by all means, waste some more fucking trees on your kleenex problem, Taurus. I mean, really? Do they not even care about the rainforest?

Celebrity Tauruses:

Chris Brown

Total pussy.


Miranda Cosgrove

THAT FACE IS SO ANNOYING!!!!!!! HER FACE WHINES!!!


Gemini (5/21-6/20): The Lying, Stealing, Cheating Son of a Bitch(es) (basically the worst people you will ever meet)

Hold me back...*Breath in, breathe out*

I am about to get all kinds of Aries on you. I can not help it when I talk about the Gemini. The worst of all the horoscope signs, in my humble opinion (the Mirandas of the Sex and the City, The Tinky-Winkys of the Teletubbies and the Sporties of the Spice Girls, if you will). Being the multi-taskers of the zodiac, Geminis will cheat on you with your best friend, lie about it ever happening and stand you up for your date at McDonald's because they were too busy watching gay porn, doing their laundry, painting a mediocre portrait of their dog and kayaking (all at the same time, obviously). Stay away from the Gemini. Don't even look one directly in the eye.

Celebrity Gemini:

Kanye West

Everyone knows how I feel about Kanye West.


Angelina Jolie

Apology not accepted, Gemini.


Cancer (6/21-7/22): The Attention Whores

I really do feel bad for the Cancers. No one really likes them very much because they are just so goddamn annoying. Starving, absofuckinglutely, starving for attention at all times, Cancer lives for an audience. It is a miserable existence to be a Cancer, quite frankly. Many Cancers resort to buying stuffed animals in bulk to line along the perimeter of the room so that they can pretend that people are watching and care what they have to say. Those poor, poor stuffed animals are the true victims here. No one cares, Cancer, no one cares. *Pats Cancer's head*

Celebrity Cancers:

Lindsay Lohan

I don't think this one needs an explanation.


Tom Cruise

Lol... or this one.


Leo (7/23-8/22): The Egotistical Control Freaks

Total control freaks and totally full of themselves. This is all of that king of the jungle crap. Yeah, okay booboos, everyday is not a re-enactment of The Lion King. Get over it, move on. There are better Disney movies out there anyways. That movie wasn't even that great. And seriously, let someone else be on top for just once.

Celebrity Leos:

Barack Obama

This one is so full of himself.


Madonna

Madonna, we have Lady Gaga now. Class dismissed...


Virgo (8/23-9/22): The Anal Buttheads

I really hardly think of the Virgo if I am being quite honest. Which is funny, because they spend most of their time thinking about how they appear to others (to me, you do not appear at all). I think at the end of the day, Virgos mean well, they really do. They just need to calm their fucking periods. Enough with the anal retentive nonsense. I have no time for any of it. NEXXXXXXXXXXT.

Celebrity Virgos:

Beyonce Knowles

I guess she is kinda perfect... but whatever.


Niall Horan

I guess he is also kinda cute...but whatever.


Libra (9/23-10/22): The Ones with the Jesus Complex

The Tyra Bankses of the Zodiac, if you so please. I believe every Libra is born with a Jesus Complex. They really take the whole "balance" thing to the extreme. Just because you "strive for balance" does not make you Jesus fucking Christ. All it does is make you sound annoying and pretentious. And quite frankly, less likely to receive an invitation to my birthday party. Libras are constantly using lines like "I keep pussy running like a faucet" and "I am the best rapper alive." It is absurd. Stop acting like your shit does not stink because I smelled a Libra's shit once... and it smelled like, well, shit.

Celebrity Libras:

Lil Wayne

He wishes he could fuck every girl in the world? What happened to moderation? Bad libra!!!!


Kim Kardashian

Ugh. Tell me more about respect, Kim.


Scorpio (10/23-10/21): The Coolest People you will ever meet (and most underrated sign of all time)

I like to think of Scorpio as the sign that God was striving to create all along. All of these other signs were just failed attempts. The Scorpio combines all of the elements of a perfect human being. Brains, beauty, sanity (I AM ALWAYS LEVEL HEADED GODDAMMIT!) and compassion are just some of the positive qualities you can use to describe the Scorpio. Oh, and we are humble too.

Celebrity Scorpios:

Ryan Gosling

Like Mary Poppins: practically perfect in every way! <3 p="">

Emma Stone

Who doesn't wanna be Emma Stones best friend? I mean, seriously?

Sagittarius  (11/22-12/21): The Knock-off Scorpios

These are the wannabe Scorpios, if you ask me. Yeah, it is good to be a fan and everything but stop sucking our dicks so much. Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Your shit just is not as good as a Scorpio's so, please, TAYLOR SWIFT, stop trying so hard. Think of it like this: Scorpios are Dolce and Gabanna, and Sagittarians are those silly little knock-off bags you buy from those vendors on the streets in NYC. Sorry I am not sorry.

Celebrity Sagittarians:

Miley Cyrus

She said she can't stop but, Miley, you must reconsider stopping.


Jake Gylenhaal

No self-respecting Scorpio would date Taylor Swift. That is why you are a Sagittarius, sir.


Love you bitches!!!!

XOXO,
Jules