The Vultures are Waiting to Pick at Your Bones, Lindsay

I stumbled upon the OWN documentary series about Lindsay Lohan while in a post-Easter dinner stupor. Beached, ashamed and dedicated to wallowing in self-pity, it only seemed appropriate that I take a look at what all the Lilo fuss was about.

Presumably unintentionally, the entire series has acted as one, continuous pity party for Lady Lohan. Scene after scene Lindsay reminds the viewer that her life is just so much harder than yours. In one awkwardly "emotional" scene, Lindsay films herself smoking a cigarette and staring into the camera for as long as it took for her to muster up a few tears (trust me, it took a long ass time...I even got up for glass of water, came back and she was still working on it).

Lindsay has stated in one of the episodes that one of the reasons that she wanted to do the documentary series is because she wanted people to know that she is just a person. Despite what we thought in the past she is just a real, down-to-earth, girl next door, after all.

You know, if your girl-next-door is living in a two story soho apartment, with a walk-in closet full of designer clothes, a personal assistant, a life coach and "a sober coach" (whatever the fuck THAT is).

If you refer to a post that I wrote last year on Lindsay's made-for-television movie "Liz and Dick" catastrophe, you will note that I have been a big Lindsay supporter in the past. I have always wished her the best (but expected the worst) and have enjoyed The Parent Trap and Life Size just as much as the next good biddy.

However, after watching what was supposedly made to reveal her "truth" and to show her "humanity" and all that horse dung, I could not be more turned off to Lilo's charms. All the show has succeeded in doing is introducing an entitled, self-victimized, materialistic and truly miserable narcissist (who at the very least is still kinda hot). Blame it on the OWN network or blame it on Lindsay's real "truth" but Lindsay has now officially been filed into "true twattery status."

I can sympathize with her white girl problems-- really, I can. She has two god awful parents who take every opportunity that they can to squeeze their way on screen. Dedicated to a life of attention     whore-ary, Dina Lohan struggles to be even appear slightly sincere while Oprah interviews her in her Long Island mansion. She, too, tries to muster up a few tears but to no avail (what is with these women and not being able to cry on command? It is truly ignorant). In one scene, she weakly gives Lindsay a half hug, making sure the camera is there to see it, she weakly says, "I am so glad you are home."

During a lunch date with Lindsay, her dad, Michael Lohan, gets in on the action as he irritatingly gives parenting advice to the viewers. Yeah, okay.

The majority of the show consists of Lindsay complaining about how chaotic her life is, how many clothes she needs to fold and how cruel everyone is to her. In fact, "chaotic" and "cruel" seem to be her favorite words (drinking game idea???!!!!). In one scene Lindsay even complains about how they will not minimize her community service hours. She just "hopes and prays" that some day they will just take it away. Poor little thing, has to give back to underprivileged children instead of rotting in jail. Boo freakin hoo.

I think, at the end of the day, Lindsay used this opportunity to stay relevant, to get a paycheck and to attempt to gain sympathy from the general public. But then again, are we not all guilty of that to some degree?

I will be the first to admit that T-swift is.

At the end of the day, I still wish her a sober life and I hope that one day she can stop feeling sorry for herself and, ya know, do something useful like make a Parent Trap 2.

XOXO,

Jules