If you are reading this post then I guess it is safe to assume that you lived to see past Black Friday. Some were not so fortunate, including a cop who was dragged by a bunch of rednecks with a car outside of a K-Mart.
Can I hear an "oink, oink," ladies and gentlemen? But in all seriousness, what a drag for that po-po. Pun not intended... but actually intended.
Or how about the people who were trampled by a stampede of obese mid-western morons running to get their 25% off deal on Walmart brand jorts. Why pay ten dollars for them when you can pay $7.50? What a steal. Oh yeahhhhh!!!
Anyways, I completely avoided Black Friday. Being the intelligent and slightly tech-savvy individual that I pride myself to be, I decided to do the majority of my christmas shopping on what the kids these days call "the interwebs." That way I could have one window open ordering things on Amazon, one window for stalking my ex-boyfriend on facebook, one window for stalking my fuck buddy on facebook, one window for reading "Song of Myself" and another window catching up on some missed pornography (or what the kids call, porno). I am a millennial after all. What else are we good at besides completing five different tasks at once mediocrely?
So why do people insist on this nonsense of waiting in line the night before? All that work to get a toaster half price? The only time I wait in line is at the DMV (now that I mention it, fuck the DMV as well) and Chipotle. Fucking love Chipotle.
Also, when people refer to the "holidays," they almost always are referring exclusively to Christmas. We have been taught that the "politically correct" way of referring to Christmas in a country that is
supposed to not be religiously affiliated, is "Happy Holidays!" However, let me ask you this: when was the last time you saw someone light up their house so abrasively with menorahs and Hanukkah lights that it made you want to slit your and everyone you know's wrists?
My point being, no one gives Hanukkah two fucking thoughts. And if you really think about it, Hanukkah is ten times more practical and useful. It seems wasteful and glutenous to open eight presents all in one morning. Is it not better to stretch it out? One gift a day for eight days? Not to mention the fact that latkes are fucking ridiculously delicious. Hanukkah food far surpasses the traditional Christmas ham.
Can I hear another, "oink, oink?" On a related note, the competition between Hanukkah gelt and chocolate advent calendars persists. As we speak, many debate as to which is superior in delectability.
But no, when people say "Happy Holidays," they really are saying Merry Christmas. And if you are Jewish, no one gives a flying fuck about your holiday. It is those bitches who say "Merry Christmas" who are the honest ones. Oh and Hanukkah bushes do not exist. Stop trying to make it happen.
Do not even get me STARTED on the forever overrated New Years bullshit that every year I put up with.
Okay, you got me started. New Years is a mean joke. It is just a fancy excuse to make losers (like me), who have no friends, feel like absolute poop on a Triscuit cracker. Last year I spent New Years making out with my German Shepherd (well she licked my face a lot...) The year before I made out with a guy who, coincidentally, had an uncanny resemblance to a German Shepherd. They
do say girls are usually attracted to guys who look like their dog. Do they not?
Who knows what this New Years has in store for me! I am thinking big things. I am thinking maybe I will buy some sprinkles for that gallon of ice cream this year. Whipped cream may be pushing it though.
Happy fucking holidays!
XOXO,
Jules
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