Fresh 2 Death

Over a year ago, I wrote a post about my perfect funeral. I spoke in depth about all of the things that I required on my special day. Well, it is a damn good thing that Nelson Mandela went before me because his funeral inspired me to make my fiesta THAT much better. It is going to be PERFECT.

I want at least 4 fake interpreters at my funeral. In fact, I demand it.

Thamsanqa Jantjie's performance at Nelson Mandela's funeral was basically the equivalent of me standing in front of an audience in China, as an "interpreter," and just belting out "CHING, CHONG, CHANG, CHING" over and over. Pretty fucked up. Right?

The dude's defense was interesting. He claimed to of had a schizophrenic episode during the ceremony.

Been there, done that, sir.

I mean, honestly, who has NOT claimed to have schizophrenia after you royally fuck up something? I did after I lost my ninth grade debate. No one fucking believed me!

I think what is most curious (and ridiculous) about the whole story is that this was not the first time Mr. Jantjie stumbled over his signs. Apparently the same thing went down years earlier and he claimed that the same thing went down.

I think we all have the same questions:

A) Why, after fucking up the first time, was he hired for such an important gig? If I had known that this is how you move up in the world, I would have been fucking up a lot worse and a lot more often (if that is even possible...)

B) Does this gentleman even know how to speak American Sign Language? I mean, I am Italian, so hand gestures are basically half of my speech but... I would not necessarily say I am fluent in sign language. Maybe this guy was feeling very Italian that day and got confused? It could happen.

C) If it was a schizophrenic episode, like he claims, and he saw angels flying around, why did he not just sign "hey guys, I see a bunch of bitches flying around. I am a little weirded out. I think I'ma bounce." Instead he just magically forgot how to sign everything?! And why does it always happen right before he needs to interpret an important speech?! How strangely convenient!

The only thing we should be grateful for is that Obama WAS NOT the one who hired this numb nut for the occasion. For just once we can blame someone else for blatant stupidity besides our own president. Just this once! YES!!!!

5 second dance party commencing...

NOW!

Okay, everybody settle the fuck down now! The dance party has officially concluded. Now it's back to me. At my funeral I would like four different interpreters, all of which, must be fake interpreting the entire time. All four separate languages should be completely massacred so that the person is speaking absolute nonsense. No one can know what is actually being said. Although improvisation is required, the person speaking "American Sign Language" is encouraged to draw inspiration from Nelson Mandela's funeral.

Also, I would like to include a photobooth. This way, President Obama and all of the other important celebrities who will be attending my special day can fulfill all of their selfie needs.

In all seriousness, this whole thing pisses a biddy right off.  It is bad enough that those who were watching the presentation that were deaf did not understand a goddamn word that was going on, but the bigger picture is even more disturbing. It is the fact that no one even knew (or cared enough) to check up on this fake interpreter. That, my good bids, is disconcerting. Still, in the year 2013, our culture cares very little about those who are differently abled and while some of us who are not deaf can shrug if off as a stupid mistake to laugh about, others will continue to be misunderstood, isolated and forgotten by our society.

Thamsanqa Jantjie, fake signer, and diagnosed numb nut (and to those who hired him), I think I speak for all of deaf culture that you are all buttfaces. Here is a sign that you may understand:

Much LUV 2 my haterZzZ
XOXO,
Jules