Thoughts of a Young Biddy: He Moved Into the City and Now He's GAY

GAWDDDD GAY!!!!

Alright people, as I have said before, I try to steer clear from politics and other nonsensical bullshit, but once in a while I find myself caught up in the fray. Usually I like to stick to the hard hitting stories, the stuff we should really care about like Real Housewives or Pretty Little Liars. I decided to make an exception this one time only because I am feeling a little coo-coo cray cray.

As you can probably tell from my introduction and title, I am talking about homosexuals today. Thoughts of sexuality rarely cross my mind, or at least anyone else's other than my own (I'm a little self-involved, sue me!) However, all of this talk about gay marriage lately has got me thinking (and this is something I try to avoid as much as possible as a young biddy). Why should gay people be denied, nay, exempt from this archaic, bullshit institution? What makes them so damn special? Why shouldn't they have to suffer along with the rest of us? Not okay.

Homosexuals across the land should feel lucky for not having to fear the "weird cat lady" title (or in my case, that weird lady with crabs... hermit ones, that is). I was told at a very young age by my peers that I best be finding a man or I am a first class loser.

GET A HUSBAND ALREADY!!

For as long as I can remember I was always pretty behind on this "boy rush," so to speak. I felt little need to associate with these type of folk, you know, the ones with the penis and what have you.

So yeah, my "cooties" phase may or may not have ended just yesterday, do not judge me. The only way I survived high school was by making up lies of my crazy sexcapades in foreign lands (so people would never find out that I was actually just home baking chocolate chip cookies and making power point presentations of pictures of dogs. Hey, those transitions were fucking badass!) But I digress... back to my point, if I was not straight I would never be expected to marry someone I hated and have to resort to alcohol and crystal meth. You know, the things that marriage tends to lead to (or so I hear).

If I have to do this shit, so should everyone else. After all, it's all about me at the end of the day.

Let me tie this all together real pretty for ya. Marriage is a punishment that we all have the right to experience at some point. The more I think about same-sex marriage, the more I think of it as less of a political issue but more of a moral one. We all have the right to stick our hand into a burning flame or gouge our eyes out with needles, so we should all have the right to force ourselves to sleep with the same numb nut for the rest of our life.

I also can not help but feel like the homophobic shit dicks that make up our country and government are just one huge, continuous cock block. It is time to undo the cock blocking. It is time to guide the cock, if you will.