A Pretty Little Threesome

For those of us who did not have the luxury of this "Spring Break" that some numb nuts speak of, we had the movie to get us through this week. I recently saw the film Spring Breakers. I went in with very little knowledge of what exactly this nonsense was about. All I knew was that Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson and James Franco were in it. I will admit, I was quite curious. What a hodgepodge of a cast indeed!

And by fascinating I mean what in the actual fuck is going on?! Regardless, I ventured to the movies and paid my eleven bucks (despite my mother's advice, of course). 

Before we even meet our four "protagonists," so to speak, the audience is greeted with a copious amount of titties. Titties, titties as far as the eye can see. These titties belong to girls of all sorts. These girls appear to be frolicking on the beach, funneling beer and having various beverages thrown at their bare bosoms by some lovely gentleman suitors. You know, your typical Tuesday.

The camera soon cuts to a scene of Hannah... I mean, Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens hitting a bong. Damn, now these are some bad bitches. Smokin' weed? I mean, who let the dogs out? This scene, which is replayed about four times by the way, (we are talking about some seriously artsy cinematography going down...it's like yeah, we get it, they are being naughty) is juxtaposed with another scene of a praying, bible thumping Selena Gomez. Ugh, duh, Selena would play the "good girl." Okay, I thought to myself, calm down, let's just give these hoes a chance. Do not make any rash decisions yet. (I mean, I did shell out eleven dollars, I had some serious money resting on the success of this film). But when Vanessa Hudgens opened her big, yucky mouth...

BOOM! I knew this movie would be a disaster of epic proportions.

Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens and that other chick decide to rob a restaurant to pay for spring break when they find out they wasted all of their allowance money on weed and booze.  I get it now, this movie is the ultimate tale of first world struggles. This is a story of four rich girls oppressed by a college education, stuck living in a prison of privilege. I can not imagine the trials and tribulations these girls have gone through. These poor, unfortunate souls.

After some cer-azy partying and snorting a few lines, the ladies land in the slammer...in their bikinis, of course. In fact, they are in their bikinis for almost the entire movie. This serves as a constant reminder to us common folk as to why we must avoid spring breaks of this nature. Selena Gomez is hotter than you, deal with it. However, Selena soon ditches the scene when shit starts to get real. When a rapey James Franco decides to bail all four girls out of jail and proceeds to try to make all of them his gangsta bitches, Selena is not having ANY of it.

BYEEE.

Fast forward, that other chick (who is not Ashley Benson or Vanessa Hudgens) gets shot and decides she wants to peace out too. Now here's when shit gets too real for me. The threesome.

Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!

For some reason I found this threesome to be dis-gust-ing. Between the always icky Vanessa Hudgens and James Franco who is lookin' like a real creepist, it just did not do it for me. Poor Ashley, sandwiched between these two. (QUICK: call Spencer, Emily and Aria to bail you outta this one, Han!) All kidding aside...

Total boner massacre. Flaccid as a motherfucker.

In fact, my lady wood for James Franco is completely gone after this film. We had a good run, J. It's not me, it's you.

So then basically James Franco is shot dead and Ashley and Vanessa fuck shit up and shoot the whole gang. They even shoot Gucci Mane who was pretty occupied at the time, fucking a few biddies. Rude. The ultimate cock block: death.

The moral of the story is this: my spring break of working seems to be a lot better than this one. So I will deal.

Also, my advice: wait until you can download this one illegally online. Do not make the same mistake that I did.

Now I am 11 dollars and 1 boner short.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

XOXO,
Jules