God, Is My Dog A Sociopath?

And by God, I mean, this article that I found while perusing Yahoo.

http://www.cheatsheet.com/health-fitness/signs-someone-sociopath.html/?ref=YF&yptr=yahoo

Yahoo is always good for that. They always seem to post articles that are about 15 hours to 15 years behind the times.  But, it just so happens, that 15 hours to 15 years is about the time I start gaining interest in a subject that people have talked about for years! Yahoo gets me. Girl like Yahoo.

They also post articles that are usually factually inaccurate and irrelevant, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyways, I obviously clicked on this particular article because I was interested to see if I, myself, was a sociopath. This thought crosses my mind almost daily. But, then it begs the question, do sociopaths KNOW they are sociopaths? Doesn't the fact that I am so concerned about being a sociopath exonerate me from the whole thing?

But there I was, all caught up in myself, I realized I was forgetting about someone crucial in my life. Someone who is definitely completely and blissfully unaware of her sociopathic tendencies...

That person...well, kind-of person, is Rosie... my dog.

Let's review the 7 credentials you need to be a successful sociopath.

1. Compulsive liar.

Complete and utter liar that dog is. Sometimes, in order to get two dinners, she will try to pretend that she has not been served her dinner yet by wagging her tail and staring into your eyes longingly. Other times, she will bark and insist that she needs to drop a deuce outside, but once we get outside, all the damn dog does is piss. Lying little betch.

2. Emotional Detachment

Rosie has never been in touch with her emotions. From an early age I suspected that she had some real intimacy issues. I thought these stemmed from her rough upbringing at the local pound but now I do not know. If you want to cuddle with the pooch, she will blow you off like you have never been blown off before. She shows her emotions in only barks and begs...no more, no less.

3. Narcissism

The constant licking of the paws is a true sign of vanity and self-absorption. Does this ho only care about herself? I sometimes fear I have raised a monster. A cute, adorable monster.

4. A reckless attitude

Staggering into traffic, digging holes in the freshly mowed lawn with no thought to consequences? Sounds like reckless behavior to me.

One time Rosie even ate a whole bag of confectioners sugar...

and did not even apologize for it.

5. Anger

There is constant yelling and negativity coming from that one. I mean, I simply never know when she is going to blow up on me next. I could say we walk on egg shells around her, but she would just eat those egg shells right off the floor like the greedy son of a bitch she is. It really speaks to the state of mind she is in some of the time.

6. Manipulation

Nothing, I repeat, nothing is more manipulative than a cute, furry puppy. She uses her adorable looks to lure her predators in. By the end of her schemes, you will find yourself giving her dog treats and tummy rubs... just as she planned all along. Clever bastard.

7. A revolving door of friends

And finally, the final nail in the sociopath coffin: no friends! No dogs can stand her for more than a few seconds. Let's face it, she's just not a dog's dog!!!!!

Two weeks ago, she got into a spat with Penny (who was her very best girlfriend) and they have not spoken since. Then, she started a new friendship with Biscuit the following week, only to end it over a quibble about a large, desirable stick. Muffin is her newest friend but I doubt this will last more than a few days. They are already clashing on political issues.

Thank you Yahoo for shedding this important light on this situation. Thanks to you, Rosie will be getting the psychological help she so desperately needs. Why do people not give you enough credit for these thought-provoking news stories? Why did people ditch you for Gmail?

Oh wait, this is Gmail... awkward.

But thanks for the article, anyways.

XOXO,

Jules