Don't Hate Me Because I have It All; Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

It has been a long week. It has been a week filled with introspection and self-examination. At some points I did not even know if I should or could go on. I would ask myself questions like: Is life worth living? Is God a transgender? And Is Gilmore Girls ever going to make a reunion episode? Questions we have all pondered at some point in our life.

After days of  listening to Aaliyah and polishing my nails (and re-polishing them, only to then decide I actually did not want them polished at all...) I have found I have waited the proper amount of time to clear my head and discuss the important topic at hand.

The Real Housewives of Miami season premiere sucked major butt crack. I'm talking totally loose butt hole.

After LITERALLY waiting all spring and summer for this new season, I was peeing my pants with anticipation for the new season. I even invested in a couple of packages of Depends diapers so I did not ruin my reputation as a G. However, I was SORELY disappointed with what was presented to me last Monday evening. I had five changed diapers that day and practically nothing to show for these bladder mishaps.

My devoted readers probably recall my post last fall when I made a list of my favorite to least favorite Real Housewives of Miami. If you are not devoted and are therefore IGNORANT then I will remind you that my favorite Housewife is Elsa (even though technically she is not considered a "housewife" per se). Being my favorite, and perhaps the best of all time, her absence is disgusting and selfish. Marysol tells the housewives and the audience that Elsa has suffered a brain injury and has been in the hospital for weeks.

Brain hemorrhages are rude and I for one will not stand for them. Bravo is really going to sit there and tell me that they are airing a whole season of this bullshit and there will be no Elsa? Nokay.

Not to mention the fact that two other housewives are missing from the introductions. HELLO, KARENT?!? Where the hell are you??? The main focus of the drama last season WAS Karent. This is a very disturbing sign. Very disturbing.

Ana is not in the introductions either but that is seriously no sweat off my dick. She is way too normal and employed for her own good.

Okay, let's rewind to the beginning of the episode, before we even find out all of this. The first scene is Ms. Lea Black picking up fucking Grade A numb nut Joanna Krupa from the airport and surprising her by dropping her off at a car dealership where Romain is waiting with this new whip he decided to buy her dumb ass. Before the drop-off Lea and Joanna begin discussing what is apparently going to be the controversy of the season. Turns out that Adriana was ALREADY married to Philippe, therefore exposing her for lying to all of her friends for all of this time!!!!!

THAT SELFISH, BACKSTABBING BITCH! What an atrocity, what a travesty. We learn through Joanna and Lea's conversation that Lea Black is simply beside herself with grief. Here she was all this time, she says, thinking she's helping a single mom, when in reality Adriana was NOT single at all!!!

Okay, Lea, let's just ignore the fact that Adriana clearly is in no need of financial assistance as a single mother. MTV is not inviting her to Teen Mom anytime soon...so seriously, untwist your g-string and calm your period.

In all seriousness, for what already seems to be like the dullest drama in the history of Housewives, Adriana offers an extremely logical and plausible explanation for her keeping her marriage to Phillipe secret. So those few viewers who did give a fuck about Adriana's already existing marriage, most likely did not after a thirty second reason for not sharing it.

...moving on...dropping it...

EXCEPT THEY WON'T! The previews imply that this pseudo-drama will continue for the entire season. Ugh. I feel so betrayed, so discouraged by Bravo's laziness. What's more, the script has gotten excessively dumber and their editing has gotten ridiculously sloppier (not to mention...BORRINGGGGGGG).

Adriana's boat, Joanna's stupid career, Lisa trying to get sperminated, Alexia's son beating up homeless people and Lea Black... being Lea Black. Yada, yada.

I'm bored, Bravo. Very bored.

XOXO,
Jules

P.S. Romain is still hot.