She's Just Being Miley

Oh my hot diggity damn. Miley is back and she is not fuckin' around this time. She is busting out all of the tricks for this new music video.

Watch it here:

Miley Cyrus seems to have learned a new kind of "hoedown-throw-down," if you catch my drift.

She definitely popped it, she most certainly locked it but I am not so sure that she polka-dotted it. Fortunately for us there was no countriying involved. And... the jury is out on the hip-hopping. But rest assured, she twerked it. In fact, Miley twerked until the cows came home.

First we see Miles turn up a dildo looking object (anyone else think dildo? just me? okay...). Then, gritting at the camera, she casually applies a modest looking grill to her bottom teeth. "Interesting," I thought to myself. I did not know where she was going with this one but, "we'll see," I thought to myself. I always try to give Miles the benefit of the doubt. It was quite curious, though. I was very curious about this fashion decision.

Things seem to escalate quickly. Miley is suddenly lying on the floor, half of her head hidden under some frilly comforter. Perhaps this is taking place in her grammy's house? Regardless, she is wearing some white jump suit, singing about...god knows what. (Sidenote: after the third time around watching, muting the music was crucial to me not blowing my brains out).This is followed by an image of a young woman with smoke ejactulating out of her vagina. Happens to the best of us, I suppose.

Do not look now but there goes Miley writhing around on a bed, humping a few throw pillows. This is a motif throughout the entire music video. Miley begs to get boned. Demands to be as a matter of fact.

Just when I thought Miley had lost her mind, my faith in her sanity was beginning to be restored when she busted out the good ol' eos egg lip gloss. I gotta give it to her, the girl knows what is good for the chapped lips...both pairs of lips apparently.

A french fry skeleton being smashed, half naked people splashing about in a pool, Miley spanking a girl (...then having the girl spank her back), fake fingers being cut and more nonchalant rolling around in a bed. The video is exhausting... especially since I have probably watched at least 1,000,000 of the 21,667,799 hits on youtube. The things I do for my blog, the lengths I go to make fun of celebrities. Quite tiresome.

Okay, nap over. What do I see now? Miley walking some taxidermied animals... OBVIOUSLY. Animal lover, she is not. However, doll lover, without a doubt. Despite Miley's gyrating, twerking and skimpy attire, she seemed to have not been able to score very much ass at this supposed party in which she refuses to "stop" (stop what? We never actually find out). Miley is not discouraged by a slow night (she is nothing if she is not resourceful). A doll will do just fine as she and Miley share a romantic moment in the pool. After all, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta.

I probably would have stuck to a private session with the body pillow but no judgments here. 

But... I have some judgments about some other subjects that Miles has brought up. Anyone remember the whole Miley bong scandal? Well, even to this day Miley is sticking to her story: "IT WAS ONLY SALVIA!" Hannah Montana would not smoke weed! However, cocaine is a different story. Right before her cute little doll make-out session Miley states that "everyone in line in the bathroom/ trying to get a line in the bathroom/ we all so turned up here/ getting turned up yeah yeah." Lyrical genius aside, I think these words prove that the bong incident is a moot point. We clearly have bigger fish to fry here with Miley's drug use.

Ladies with big animal backpacks bounce around for a bit, Miley puts on a hat, and a very hungry young man rubs a piece of bread on his face before eating it...as bread should be eaten, always.

But then, then I reach my breaking point. There's only so much I can take. Miley has dishonored the art of pinata breaking entirely. Pinata breakage is a very serious, very special act. (There is a very intimate relationship between man and a pinata). And here we have Miley making a complete mockery of it by turning a traditional act into some sexual girl on girl male wish fulfillment (but not really because she looks pretty icky). Is anything sacred anymore?

I have always been a Miley fan but this is our official break up my dear Madame Cyrus. I feel bad and everything that your dad is a creepy motherfucker, trying to get in to your pants, but you are an embarrassment to biddies everywhere. I will always have "The Climb" to inspire me during those rough times and "Party in the USA" for when I'm feeling sexily patriotic but for now we must part ways.

Sars.

XOXO,

JuLeS

P.S. Just for the record, this break up means I am done with you AND Hannah Montana. You can not get the best of both worlds despite what you insist.