In the wake of her new album, I find myself myself giddy as fuck. It was a little less than a year ago that I got into this broad. We're talking "Video Games" on repeat for at least a week. But then... what do I hear? A bunch of chit-chat about her being "fake." Fake nose, fake lips, fake voice, fake arms, fake legs, fake shirts, fake pants, fake, fake, fake.
...THEN I GOT OVER IT. In the words of Lana herself "I will love you till the end of time, I will wait a million years." So what if her nose is fake? So what if she pumps her lips daily? She knows it's fake, we know it's fake. It is what it is.
Color me the "anti-feminist" but I think she looks pretty hot. The fake everything is really doing it for her. Never change girly (except maybe for like a little botox or a facelift...or whatever fancy plastic surgeries you kids are getting these days). As for her voice being fake...does it look like I care? Answer: no. I love it.
OKAY. So now you all know who Lana Del Rey is and how I feel about her. This brings me to her new music video that she just released for the song "Ride." I have literally been watching and re-watching (and re-watching again) this music video because there is just so much to say about this shiz.
If you haven't seen it:
First things first: the rope swing. I am slightly concerned for Lala. It seems rather strange for a rope swing to be located in the middle of what looks like the desert. How did it get there? What does it hang from? Questions, I have em.
*Cue the Spoken word*... "I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer..." Shit just got real. Lala is a hooker, a very beautiful one may I add. She is perfectly polished, made-up and dressed. She makes me want to be a prostitute a little bit. HEY! Do not judge me, she makes it look so fun.
COME AND GET ME BOYS!!!
Back to the serious material at hand. She goes on with some lecture about morals, how she's a chameleon and was born to be the other woman and blah blah blah. Then in a surprising twist, she purchases an orange soda.
Then BOOM music starts. YAY!!!! Enter a singing Lala.
While watching this video I realized something crucial though. Does everyone remember how horrible her SNL performance was last year? Ya know, the one where she was awkwardly swaying back and forth whaling "Blue Jeans?" Well, she seems to be doing the exact same thing in parts of this video... nokay (not okay). I mean, she LOOKS pretty and everything but, sweetie, just stop that. I find these clips rather uncomfortable. If you watch carefully you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Awkwardddddd.
The video continues with images of Lala getting her hair brushed by some creature, smoking in a gas station, and riding dirty on a bike with, who I think, is the same creature that brushed her hair earlier. I guess he's undoing the labor he put in earlier because that shit will make your hair look cray.
I am going to completely ignore the obvious thoughts that ran through my head about smoking at a gas station. I mean, really Lana? That is just bad all around.
Okay NEXT, I think we are all thinking the same thing. We need to talk about the elephant in the room.
These are the questions I pose: 1) Why are you dressed as a Native American? 2) Why are you dressed as a Native American while driving through a bonfire? 3) Who gave you that gun? 4) Where are your parents young lady? If you're "tired of feeling like you're fucking crazy" then you need to get yourself together! You need to stop carrying around weapons and pointing them at your head. You need to stop driving through fire. Last, but not least, you should only wear a costume on Halloween. People will make judgments. YOU need to get your priorities straight. Yes, YOU.
So there it is. I enjoy this video thoroughly, of course. But as any concerned parent, I worry for young Lala. Stop prostituting your body and stop hanging with creatures. Just be the fun, beautiful, fake Lana Del Rey we all know and love! I believe in you, girl.
With that, I leave you. I am sure you are all just as excited as me about her new album coming out this November... and if you are not, then get the fuck outta my house!
Loveeeee you all,
XOXO JULES
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