The Worst Christmas Gift a Biddy Could Ask For

This will be a short post but I wanted to say... that Bravo gave me the worst christmas gift. Yes, I am disappointed. One can even say I am a little perturbed...and slightly sickened. Wait, let me correct that I feel QUITE ill from this atrocity.

I have finally managed to collect myself and write to you about my grievances. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, you must have not tuned into the season finale of Real Housewives of Miami. This was probably the biggest disappointment of the year, nay, the century. Absofuckinglutely nothing occurred. Where was Elsa? Where was the drama? Why were these women actually getting along? What kind of Real Housewives is THIS shit? If I wanted to watch Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I would have.

Please. Get real. That shit is corny as fuck. Let's all hold hands and talk about our periods...not. Anyways, if you watched it you probably experienced the same feelings as I did. The episode consisted of the ladies talking about their "hardships" and throwing flowers in the waters of Bimini. Mostly the women were crying about the men in their lives. Getting divorces, getting married... tomato, tomawto. Ana got her divorce, Marysol decided to get a divorce, Joanna got engaged (again), Lisa still did not get pregnant, Karent wants to marry Rudolfo even though he has boned everyone but her within the last year, Adriana is engaged (again) and Lea is...well, being Lea and not giving a fuck. Overall, I was terribly upset by the fact that one of my favorite housewives seasons ended on such a boring note. The ending scene where Elaine performs at Marysol's party was just the icing on the cake if you ask me. It was the ultimate peace offering...and that just made me so damn nauseated. The fighting must continue, they must commit themselves to disagreement and discontent. It's like they don't know how to not get along anymore.

 It actually took work to finish the episode. I even stopped halfway to watch the series finale of the Jersey Shore which was equally snooze-worthy.

BORINGGGGGGGGG. I think this might qualify as the worst christmas gift a biddy could ask for. We ask for very little besides stupid television, Ugg boots and dumb bros to wine and dine us.

Thank GOD I still have my Ugg boots.

Anyways, I write to you not only to share my grievances of Real Housewives but to wish you all a happy holiday! If you do not celebrate Christmas, I hope you all enjoyed a day of Chinese food and hanging out at home! I suggest Jingle All The Way or Home Alone 1 or 2 for your entertainment. I also salute you for not beating a bitch up during this annoying, annoying season of over-consumption and ignorant music.

You, my friends, are the true heroes. I must bid you all a farewell. This bitch gotta catch some z's. I will talk to you all soon!

...and a Happy New Year.

XOXO,
Jules

Don't Let the Door Hit You In the Vagina On Your Way Out

What kind of person would I be if I did not write a post on the pending final episode of the Jersey Shore? Answer: Not a very good one.

I'ma keep dis short n sweet... just like me (except not at all).

You can say a lot of shit about the Jersey Shore cast but you must admit that this marks the ending of an era. Maybe it was not the most intellectually productive (and some say it was an indication of some kind of cultural destruction or some shit) but it was an era nonetheless. One thing you should learn about me, if you have not already, is that I am just so gosh dung bad at goodbyes.

I fear change and I would prefer that the show would continue, even if I have no desire to watch it. Truth be told, I have not watched Jersey Shore for two seasons. I stopped watching for a couple of reasons. First of all, the Sammi/Ronny drama was like beating a dead horse, burying it, unburying it, beating it again, burying it, unburying it, beating it yet again, burying it...you get the idea. It just got to the point that even I, a lover of all things stupid, could not take it anymore. I settled on other shows to fill my Thursday night (Big Bang Theory, Real Housewives of Miami... Chopped...hell, I even settled on Antiques Road Show a couple of times). The second reason I stopped watching was I sensed the inauthenticity in all of the characters by the third season. In other words, Snooki was trying too hard to be Snooki. They turned into characters, rather than just being the authentic numb nuts that they portrayed so effortlessly the first season. Now, it's just a big ol' mess.

Now they kind of just sit in the house repeating lines that were funny the first million times they said it. Ugh. 

I would like to review the most disgusting/disturbing Jersey Shore moments of all time. #1: Basically anytime The Situation has a sexual encounter of some sort.

I am actually quite surprised that Mike still has his penis attached to his body. This is quite a feat. I would think that at this point his man parts would be gangrenous, shriveled up and lying on the dance floor or bathroom of Karma somewhere. Situation defies all odds. Bravo, Sir Situation. I tip my hat to your successful promiscuity. Does anyone recall the night when they had two different girls at their house? One was in one room and one in the other. Correct me if I am wrong but did he not bang them both? Call me old fashioned but isn't one girl a night enough? Or at least one every, let's say, 5 hours? I'm throwing you a bone there, Sitch. Take it.

The next scene that comes to mind is the one where we go on a little doctor's visit with our good friend Ronnie. 

MTV seriously did not spare us any of it. They even take us into the office where the proctologist examines the "situation," if you will. Then Ron makes a joke to the camera saying "hey you can at least buy me dinner first." Aw, that's cute Ron, did someone feed you that joke? We all know you and your girlfriend are the least funny in the house. Nice try though! 

I mean, I am not doctor, but I still have yet to figure out how Ron had managed to fuck up his asshole just by a night of drinking? I find this very curious. No, I am not making accusations but...let's just think about this.....

Yeah, I have thought about it and I am a little skeptical that Ronnie managed to fuck up his butt hole from drinking. Draw the conclusions that you would like. I've got nothing.

Now this next one is a huge throwback to the first season. I don't know if anyone even remembers the time when JWoww and Pauly D. hooked up. Well, I DO! Don't get me wrong, Pauly D. and JWoww are my two favorite cast members, but this hook up was really gross-looking. JWoww was wearing a classy little number...something akin to a loin cloth and some pasties. She was sprawled out over Pauly D, sucking face like there's no tomorrow and what do we find out? Pauly D has a St Albert piercings. 

Now, ladies & gentleman of the jury: those who are fans of said piercing, I mean no offense. It's just... the thought of Pauly D having one KIND OF makes me want to barf. In fact, any of these people having this gives me the heebie-jeebies. They're just... so vile.

For the last and, in my humble opinion, the most disgusting Jersey Shore moment of all time, I would like to discuss the Angelina-pad incident. And by "like" to discuss it I mean, I must discuss it. This atrocity occurred season two when the cast was in Miami. This just might be the most disgusting thing that has ever aired on television. Basically the story is: Everyone hates Angelina because she is dirty. The Situation was mad because he had to clean up after Angelina. Angelina leaves a dirty pad on the floor. The Situation picks up the dirty pad and gingerly places it under Angelina's pillow. (I don't think the tooth fairy will be pleased about THIS). Let's excuse ourselves for a minute...

Hold on...

Okay. I feel a little bit better but the image of Angelina's dirty pad under her pillow will continue to haunt me until my dying day. I can't, I just can't.

I said I wasn't very good with goodbyes and I am not. But I will tell you, after reviewing these disturbing moments (and actually gagging myself from these gifs that I have decided to post) I think I am quite alright with this one. 

BYEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

XOXO,

Jules

When I Look At Both of You, a Coldplay Song Plays in My Heart

Oh my damn. It has felt like a lifetime since last season of Girls. It is finally returning for a second season this January and I am literally PEEING myself with excitement. This show is basically one large, re-occuring white girl problem.  I have dedicated my free time for the next few weeks to re-watching the entire first season. If you do not watch Girls, you are quite ignorant. Even if you are not a white female, I still think the show is pretty flippin hilarious.

 Let's talk about the girls for a little bit. I'll start with the main character, Hannah. As a recent post-grad, I can relate to Hannah quite a bit. Especially being an English major, your future seems quite vague. Most importantly, majoring in English is not exactly the way to go if you're looking to make the big bucks. The first scene of the last season we see Hannah's parents tell her that they will no longer support her financially. She learns that she will have to pay for her Brooklyn apartment *gasp* by herself. 

This line cracks me up because I am pretty sure this is the same line I have used on my parents when they complain that I do not have a full-time job. I beat teen pregnancy Mom, I don't smoke crack Mom, I'm not a serial killer Mom. God, she doesn't even appreciate how much worse shit could be! One of my favorite scenes of the first season is when Hannah goes on an interview...and royally fucks it up.

As a person who enjoys making what I guess one would call "offensive" jokes, I enjoy this quite a bit (although, rape jokes aren't really my style, but you get the idea). Yeah, it is completely ridiculous and stupid to drop this during a job interview but I salute her for it. This scene reminds me a little bit of Larry David in Curb Your Enthusiasm. Lena Dunham is definitely using this scene (as does Larry David) as a personal outlet of wish fulfillment. I dare you to find a person who has not been tempted to make a rape joke during a job interview. Hannah is simply living the dream. 

I also just want to add in this scene of Hannah because I literally die every time I watch it. Rape jokes, AIDS jokes... just good, clean fun.

Marnie is Hannah's roommate. Yes, Brian Williams' daughter if you really give a fuck. She's, kind of, supposed to represent that anal, unlikable friend that everyone likes to shit on. At first, I liked to hate Marnie myself because I never really related to her perfectionist nature but if you really think about it all of these characters need Marnie's perfectionism. She's the Claire to your Modern Family, if you will. The other characters bounce off of her for comedy. Not only this, but I grew a massive amount of respect for her when she decided to finger fuck herself in the bathroom at a work party...just because. Get it girl! I also recall the scene where Marnie tries to console Shoshanna when she comes out of the closet to her as a...*gasp*...virgin. 

If that does not put a virgin's mind at ease, I seriously don't know what will. 

Okay, then there's Jessa. Jessa is clearly everyone's favorite girl. I guess she's, like, (I'm seriously already kicking myself for making this stupid comparison) the Samantha to your Sex and the City. (Sidenote: I do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT watch Sex and the City. I am merely painting a picture for you numb nuts who do).

Jessa is supposed to be some kind of hippy-dippy traveller who is crashing at her cousin Shoshanna's apartment. She's a babysitter (although not a very good one) and smokes a lot of marijuana. When Jessa winds up pregnant Marnie even throws Jessa the best abortion, of which she decides not to attend. "These things never start on time," Jessa remarks as she chooses to hang out in a bar instead. Is there anything more flaky than not showing up for your own abortion?

This brings us to our last girl, Shoshanna. At first, I could not stand the bitch. She reminded me of a sorority girl on speed. However, now that I am watching the show for the second time around, I have a different perspective on Shoshanna. I guess I see a little bit more of myself in her. I can not tell you how many times I have mistakenly smoked crack when I thought it was marijuana...easy mistake. I can say that it almost always ends the same way, which is me running through the streets with a bare ass and heels.

Yeah buddy!

A lot of the criticism of the show Girls talks about how the show does not relate to a large portion of the population. I guess with the title Girls, people assumed it would be a show about all kinds of girls. However, the show is clearly geared for white, middle to upper class females (and even more specifically, ones who live in New York). Lena Dunham, the writer (and actress who plays Hannah), has been criticized for somewhat "shunning" these other girls. I can appreciate this criticism but I feel it is somewhat irrelevant. Dunham clearly writes about what she knows (as did classic writers like Jane Austen who have been criticized for the same actions) and the world around her. You do not have to live these girls' lifestyle to find it entertaining.

Finally, here is the preview for the new season of Girls.

I almost forgot to mention Adam. Actually, I did not forget to mention him I just have no words for him. Who doesn't like a guy who says he is going to send you home to mommy and daddy like the little whore that you are, all covered in his cum? Happy television watching everyone! HIP HIP HOORAY!! Oh and one last thing...

                                                                           XOXO,
                                                                             Jules

You Wanna Know the Real Difference Between us?

I have class and you don't.

Did you just get a little nostalgic? Let's take a trip down memory lane. The days when Lindsay Lohan was cute and... a twin.

In all honesty, this gif actually made me a little sad. I remember the first time I watched The Parent Trap. I was at my friend's house and I remember thinking how pretty they were. Obviously, this was before Lindsay Lohan was Lindsay Lohan but I knew I liked the two Lindsay Lohans. Also, I can definitely thank this movie for fueling my desire to be a twin. As if Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen did not tease me enough with their glamorous twin-hood, now I have these girls dangling it in front of me. Shit got real when I got into trouble in Elementary school for making up an imaginary sister. I convinced my teacher that I had a sister named Sarah. Oops.

Okay, sorry, let me get to the point. Lindsay Lohan. She is the topic of this entire post. I must warn you though, this is hardly going to be a Lindsay bashing session. Lindsay non-sympathizers must see themselves out immediately. I merely stand here--err sit--a disappointed parent. I should have known the moment I found out that Lindsay Lohan was not a twin that her existence would be a series of disappointments for me...over and over. I know for a fact that I am not alone on this. I was so convinced that she was TWO people and I know you were too. For the longest time I refused to accept that it was all imaginary. (I guess we still have the Olsen twins, I thought. But, like, who really gives a fuck about the Olsen twins anymore? They like to date old men and wear meat. Get outta hereeee). I thought, finally, a ginger I can love.

She was in that Disney movie called Life Size with Tyra Banks (Don't even front, you watched that shit) but besides that, all was quiet on the Lilo front for a while. Lindsay Lohan's re-introduction, so to speak, was in that movie Freaky Friday. I enjoyed that one quite a bit. It even had that numb nut Chad Michael Murray. I wanted to bang the shit out of him. And by "bang" I mean, like, hold hands because I think I was thirteen when the movie came out and I'm prude like that. Then there was Lindsay's big hit, Mean Girls. Mean Girls, in my opinion, is Lindsay Lohan's best work and definitely the best high school movie of the 2000s. (My feelings towards Mean Girls are apparent through my excessive usage of gifs from the movie... sorry I'm not sorry). Of course, one can attribute a lot of the success of the movie to Tina Fey's writing. But, at the end of the day, I enjoyed Lindsay thoroughly and I only thought to myself "Self, things can only get better from here!" How wrong I was. 

She came out with that atrocious movie, Confessions of Teenage Drama Queen and then I knew shit was going down the tubes. This was probably one of the worst movies I had seen in a long time. Yeah, there was Herbie Fully Loaded and a couple of other shitastic productions. Things were looking bleak. After she broke up with Fez from That 70's show, she began her raging ways. Gone were the days that Lindsay was fencing at summer camp, gone were the days she was camping in the woods with her fake twin sister and gone were the days she was prancing around singing "Shine bright, shine far, be a star" with Tyra Banks. These days were gone but I never forgot them. Not for a minute. But Lindsay spiraled out of control.

BAD LINDSAY. DOWN LINDSAY!!!!!! HEEL!!!!!! I don't even know if I can tell you what exactly were the series of run-ins with the law. I could not keep track. Something about multiple DUIs, stealing necklaces, assaulting people, bla bla bla, the usual? I remember she even lost a bunch of weight from what I am assuming was cocaine usage. She even took some bizarre pictures of her posing with some knives. (Not gonna lie, she looked really hot and my sister and I could not help but recreate those gems in our spare time). Come to think of it, I need to find those bad boys.

ANYWAYS, here we are. Present day. I was quite anxiously awaiting Lindsay's so-called comeback with her Lifetime movie Liz and Dick. To be honest, I would possibly be the most lenient viewer of such a movie because I know next to nothing about Elizabeth Taylor. I was never really a "fan," so to speak. All I know is that she was bangin' and she was married quite a few times. So, I did not have any preconceptions of what the movie should be. The moment the movie began, however, I knew that it was a disaster. Lindsay's acting was absolutely ridiculous.

Watching Lindsay was disappointing and saddening for a lot of reasons. Watching her on screen made me think about whether or not she was actually ever an actress. For so long, Lindsay had been resting on what she "had been." But seeing this performance made me question whether or not she ever was anything. Perhaps just a "star" and a socialite. When you boil down her career it really only rests on two or three movies... one of which was made when she was eleven. What was clear was that this is most likely Lindsay's end. 

What sucks for Lindsay is that the horrible nature of the entire movie can not be completely blamed on her. The writing was horrible and so was the directing. Ten minutes into the movie I was bored as shit.  

 

There is no reason why one should be bored during a Lifetime movie. Anyone who has ever watched one knows that they suck you in and do not let you go. This one, however, was anything but interesting. The only thing that entertained me throughout the film was how fake the Spanish Steps looked in the background of one scene (along with all of the other backgrounds). It's like they didn't even try to make this movie seem believable because they knew if it failed, we would all just blame it on Lindsay. Which is exactly what happened. Lindsay Lohan has been completely trashed by every single person who has watched the film. I have seen next to no criticism about anything else the movie offered--or didn't offer, rather. This is a shame for her. What was to be a comeback, is just another reason to trash Lilo. No wonder she's assaulting random waitresses in night clubs. Bitch is losing it.

There isn't much else to say other than that I am sad for her. Yeah, I'm a softy. Sue me. I have been a Lindsay Lohan fan since I was in Elementary School and I just want to see good things for her *whimpers*. However, I fear that that will not happen anytime soon. Until then, I have my Parent Trap  DVD on repeat to remind of happier and simpler times. I sound like a total whiner and I'm sorry.

Wow, I feel like I have broken my rule of this being an emo-free zone. I am now ashamed of myself. I promise this will never happen again. Bear with me people. Sometimes life is not all rainbows and sunshines though!!!!!!!! BITCH GOTTA GRIEVE!!!!!

I love most of you.

XOXO,

Jules