Thursday, January 23, 2014

Textiety: A Not So Silent Killer

Hear that clicking sound? That is the sound of the purest form of vulnerability, the musical stylings of pre-rejection and the reason why I, and most likely every other millennial, has high blood pressure. That, my good biddies, is the sound of text-messaging. Or, as the kids these days like to call it: "texting."
Yeah, I bet you are all down with the lingo. All kidding aside, texting has become part of my daily life and has claimed a large part of my sanity.

A whole texting culture was created within the past ten years. This conception has happened right before my very eyes. It was kind of similar to the conception that I witnessed in my friend's basement Sophomore year of college. The one where I saw a friend of a friend LITERALLY get impregnated in front of me. That was the first time I saw, in the flesh (and not in the pornos), how babies were made. Staring into the darkness I saw two naked figures doggy styling it. With "Shots" playing in the background, the couple made sweet, passionate love and I for the fucking life of me could not look away.
Texting and texting culture has doggy styled its way into our lives, if you will. And I can tell you this now, it is not doggy styling its way out anytime soon. We have created one raging cunt of a monster that just will not quit.

Texting is now being used by evil biddies everywhere as a method of punishment and degradation. For starters, iPhone created the "read message" feature to bust MY personal imaginary balls. People who use this feature want innocent biddies like me and you to know that it is not that they did not read your text message, it is that they do not give two shits about answering it. They want you to KNOW that you are too insignificant to respond to and they want you to FEEL your insignificance to the fullest extent.
They do not even have the decency to pretend that they are doing more "important" things other than answering your paramount (to put it delicately...) text message about what your boyfriend's sister's friend posted on Facebook three hours ago about their dinner last night. We know that they read your text message. We can not even fool ourselves for a minute into thinking that these people give a shit about us and our deep-seeded problems.

Ultimately, however, the "read messages" feature does not really matter because even if the person's "read messages" are off, I think we all know that everybody checks their phone every one to five seconds. What could be keeping these people from responding to us? Hm? Which "pressing" matters are more "pressing" than our text messages? What are these so-called "important" activities all of these people are doing instead of responding to ME? Oh yeah, allegedly you are "working," "sleeping" or getting a "colonoscopy." These are the usual excuses for a lying sack of shit.
Spare me the lame lies. You ignored my text message, and you are not even biddy enough to admit that you did. The only legitimate excuse for not responding to me is if you are lying dead in a ditch somewhere... and even then it is debatable depending on how important MY problem was.

I wish I did not care about matters of the iPhone. I wish I was not a slave to technology. I wish I could break out of this prison of emojis and LOLs. I wish that one day I can be a person again who picks up the phone to talk to a person, or better yet, actually sits *gasp* FACE TO FACE WITH THEM.

The invention of texting and social media can also be blamed for the creation of a whole new type of bullying that young children have adopted. Children can hide behind their phones like pussies, calling each other whatever the fuck they want and not have to be faced with the other person's reaction on the other end of the phone. These little fucking shits are being deprived of learning basic fucking human traits like fucking empathy and compassion.

Now, I am a self-aware biddy and I, myself am guilty of some of this. I am willing to admit that I use social media and the internet to talk madddddddddd shit. Let's face it, some of the shit I say on here, I would never say in person. In fact, one may even call me a sweetheart!
Some of my most badass fights have happened over texting. Er, actually, correction... ALL of my badass fights have happened over texting. It is just so easy to call bitches out on their twattery if I have, like, ten miles between us and I am locked safely in my house, in my room,... under my strawberry shortcake down comforter...

Text fighting is bad, but text ignoring is straight up evil. I will never take part in any of that. It is just plain heartless. There is not a worse feeling in the world than waiting for someone to answer your well-thought out, well-punctuated, well-emojii'd text message. There you were, putting your heart and soul on the line only to have it trampled on, blended up, eaten, shat out and probably eaten again by some dumbass, scum-bag biddy.
Bad things happen to good biddies everyday.

So next time you get a text-message, take it fucking seriously. A biddies' feelings are on the line here. Read the fucking text and fucking respond you pieces of shit.


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I Want the News, Not the Weather

Can we go back to our self-promoting, self-serving ways, Facebook friends of the world? I have grown so accostummed to people insisting on themselves that one may even say I am a little dependent on it. I need people to continue talking about how great their lives are. I need all of my fellow nepotism-forgetting Westchester friends to brag about their imaginary "self-made" successes.
Lately, I have been getting none of that. All these ignorant hoes have been talking about on Facebook is the goddamn weather.
Have people completely lost their fucking minds? When has the weather ever been an interesting topic to talk about? Is it not the first rule of dating that if the person you are with is completely bored and out of interesting things to talk about that they refer back to the temperature? Pretty sure it is the universal sign of boredom. So, I ask you, when did this fact go out the window? And more importantly, when did so many dumb biddies become meteorologists?
Questions, I pose them.

Quite frankly, my dears, I only need to be told that it is currently snowing outside once, not over and over by the same people. As a matter of fact, I do not need to be told at all. My house came fully equipped with these cute little things they call windows. At any given moment, on any given day, I have free range to look out these nifty little tools and see for myself what the weather is like outside.
There is no reason why girls who take duck face car selfies or boys who bring backpacks filled with Natty Ices to da club should be using "polar vortex" in a sentence, let alone in a Facebook status. Stick to what you know. I will rough it and look at my Weather dashboard, poop breath. Or maybe I can just FEEL that it is cold on my way into work that morning.

The only thing worse than the biddy meteorologists, are the fear mongering meteorologists. I will have you know that not every snowstorm is an apocalypse, not every drop of rain is a monsoon and we are actually very rarely in any kind of REAL danger when it comes to weather. I feel so numb to the fear that I do not even get scared anymore.
...okay, maybe you guys scare me a little. So, please, do me a solid and shut the fuck up?

There are better things to talk about on Facebook than the weather. Need some ideas? I have a few.

1) What you ate for breakfast.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I welcome conversation about bagels and orange juice any time. Perhaps we can compare and contrast our cereal choices of the day. Maybe you prefer Honey Bunches of Oats but I am really down for some Kix action. This can be a safe, productive meeting of the cereal minds.
Do not get it twisted though. Things can get a little heated. They DO say the three things you should not talk about at parties are: politics, religion and cereal. Frosted Flake enthusiasts, please see yourself out.

2) Who you are sleeping with.
Not going to lie, I am always interested. I find it fascinating who people decide to have sex with, how they have sex, where they have sex and WHY they have sex. Spare me no details about your sexual endeavors. Think of Facebook as your own personal diary for me to make fun and talk shit about with everyone I know.

Coming out of the closet? I find there to be no better forum for such an occasion. Facebook is an intimate space for you to share your life with people who you probably have not spoken to since high school.

3. Which drugs you are taking.
Drugs are totally chill. Which ones are you taking? I wanna know where you got them, where you are doing them and who your current employer is. If possible, I would also like pictorial evidence of you taking part in the drug festivities. After all, I will only believe it in your badassery if I can see it with my own two eyes!!!
4. How cute your dog is.
How cute is he or she? Scale it from 1-10. Then talk about the dog non-stop, posting pictures of them in various costumes and in various poses. If your dog is ugly, do not even bother. No one wants to see that mangy little fuck.

So basically you get the idea. Talk about absolutely anything but the weather. Fuck, I would rather be talking about Afghanistan than this nonsense.

Text or call if you need ideas. That is what I am here for.


Friday, January 3, 2014

New Year, New Jules

New Year's Resolutions are cute, I guess.
Every year, as the end of December approaches, we come up with some really deep, insightful goals for the promising new year. The most important thing about New Year's resolutions is that we MUST share them with everybody and anybody we know. What is the point of a deep, thought-provoking New Year's resolution other than flaunting it to the entire world? We want everyone to be under the delusion that we are growing, changing and self-improving human beings! The grander the lie, the better the resolution.
Many promise others that they will stop being a fat ass. Gym memberships skyrocket during the month of January as people pretend that they are going to get off their lazy, bacon-double-cheeseburger-eating asses and venture onto the elliptical. This will last for, at most, a month, and for the people who are truly dedicated to bullshitting their peers, maybe until Valentine's Day.

I am guilty of making this specific ambitious resolution myself. In reality, the only time I have ever set foot in a gym was in college. However, once I got in there, I beelined straight to a table full of free pizza. (WHY THE FUCK DO THEY GIVE OUT PIZZA IN A FUCKING GYM?!) Hey but do not judge me, I polished off my second piece while walking it off on the treadmill. Multitasking, I do it.
Another common lie that we tell ourselves and others at the beginning of the new year is that we are going to "nicer people." Wah, wah, wah. Embrace your badness because you sure as hell are not going to change your ways because the year has changed. You are not gonna stop lying, cheating or fucking your best friend's ex on the sly. These are simple facts of life.

I remember my senior year of high school, I made a New Year's resolution to stop talking shit about people. Five minutes into the New Year I already was saying how fucking annoying all of my friends were. The best laid plans of mice and biddies...

There are few things worth striving for in the New Year but with some careful thought and consideration I came up with a few goals that I see both fit and logical. Goals and resolutions that we should all strive for as biddies of the world. Step into my office, my loyal biddy subjects.
1) I resolve to be hotter.
For too long I have accepted my fate as a basic biddy. In this ripe, new year I will strive to offend less people with my below average looks. Proactiv, facials, nose jobs and even brown paper bags are some options to choose from as the 2014 year begins! I mean, I am 23, which basically means I am somewhat over the hill. Next stop is the nursing home, so I better improve this situation sooner rather than later.
2) I resolve to be dumber.
I am way too smart for my own good. I would rather not know about shit. I would have less to worry about. Think about it! Basic bitches are always so fucking happy. Don't they get it? People are starving in Africa, dogs are being abused in Tennessee and rich kids in Connecticut did not get the Gucci sunglasses they wanted for Christmas! I want to think about these tragedies less. Ignorance is bliss, if you will.

3) I resolve to stop watching trash television.
Okay, this one is a complete joke. I just started watching Shah's of Sunset and I am not gonna stop anytime soon.
4) I resolve to make no real resolutions.
It is fucking stupid. And I am absofuckinglutely perfect the way I am.